Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Hello, My name is Max and I have a problem

Upon returning home from Canada, I was immediately faced with a huge dilemma. My sweet boy had a problem. It had been building for a while. Slowly, slowly getting worse! Sweetie and I had tried to ignore it, had spoke with him about it and had even discussed a medical intervention for him. When I came home the problem had exacerbated to a point where I felt that it was finally time to move forward with getting help for him before it was too late.

“Max”, I said with the Mommy voice that said I was serious but supportive. “It is time. Head out to the car, buckle up and We are going to get you some help for your plight.”

He said nothing. He simply dropped his head and did as he was told. We headed out immediately. I drove him to the arranged meeting place and let him out. He headed in without question. He was ready too; I could feel it! I was so proud of him. I parked the Jeep and headed in to stand in the back of the room for support if needed. I knew I had to let him do this himself, but I am a mom!

He was sitting in a chair on the right side of the semi-circle that was to be his support group. He listened quietly as each of the others introduced themselves and told why they were there. Finally I saw him breathe deeply and I knew that he had gathered his wits and was going to finally open up! My heart skipped a beat. I held my breath. The waiting was intense.

He looked back at me, turned to the group and purred sweetly, “Hello, my name is Max and I have a problem!”

“Hello Max,” the rest of the felines purred.

Max continued with some shame, “I pee on the upstairs hall carpet.”

“MEOWWWW,” the others purred in support.

“I have not always done it. I don’t even want to do it. I just get so angry and strike back in the only way I know how.” He moaned.

“Tell it Max!”, one especially pretty Manx said.

“It all started with those new pups! The Mommas brought them home unexpectedly. For the longest, it was me and my best friend Tita. Tita was wonderful…for a dog! She was my pet! I loved her! When Mommy came to live with Momma, Tita and me, she brought Juno. Juno was a trial at first. She barked too much and she took time away from Mommy sometimes. She was also too damned active and drove me crazy….”
“Speak it!”, said a Tabby sitting to Max’s left.

“…but I got used to her eventually”, Max continued. “Then the puppies came! Oh my God! They were awful! They still are! I just don’t know how to deal with their shenanigans. Then, when Tita died, everything just got worse! So I began to pee on the carpet in the upstairs hall!”

“Let it out”, said a gorgeous Abyssinian.

“The puppies bark at me and chase me. They eat my food, Juno especially, and won’t even let me walk across the living room without attacking me. Piper see’s me walk toward the office and barks loudly so that everyone knows where I am. Cats are supposed to be able to be stealthy…she ruins that! Also, everyone else in the house is female. There are 5 of them and just one little ole me! That is just too much estrogen for one poor guy!”

“ROWWWWRRRR”, the others said in anger.

“The one that they call Cricket puts my whole head in her mouth!”, Max was gathering speed now. “She tries to chew my ears off. I tried to get the Mommas to understand but they just love those big ole dumb dogs so much! So I started pee’ing on the carpet and then…I even started making myself throw-up on that carpet as well. The Mommas were just assuming that I was eating too much but in reality, I am forcing myself to barf just to get attention!”

“Oh, purrrrr baby!”, the Manx said.
I was shocked by this admission. Tears were flowing. I had not realized how hard all of this had been on poor Max. I wanted to pick him up and chuck him under his double chin and tell him that all would be ok but he was on a roll so I let him continue.

“Now, Momma has had to rip up the carpet in the upstairs hall because it smelled bad….”

Aha, that explains all the mess in the living room and upstairs…but more on that later!

“…and she was grumbling about sending me to an “old kitties home” and I am not even that old. I am only 7. I am just pissed off. Everything has changed. Tita is gone! That little yappy dog, Juno, lives here now. Cricket and Piper are too big and they act like they run the place! Do they not realize that I am in charge. Everyone knows that cats are much more intelligent that dumb ole dogs. EVERYONE!”

“Amen!” said the other mousers.

“I had to get the Mommas attention. So I did what I had to do. Does anyone even get that?”, he meowed out loudly.

The other pussy’s wiped their eyes. I could not help myself and I ran over to Max and grabbed him up, “I am so sorry that we did not get how much the dogs bother you. You are an important part of the family. We all love you Max! You will stay with us as long as you live. I will talk to Momma!  You will never have to go to an “old kitties home”. Please forgive us!”

“It’s ok Mommy. I understand that humans make mistakes. Just keep those big ole dumb dogs in check and everything will be ok now.” Max purred

“Of course, Max, anything you need’, I assured him.

As we left the room I felt him looking back toward his new friends. He winked slyly.

I stroked his back, feeling such relief. He would be ok. Our household would go back to normal. Life was good again…well except for the mess that was now our living room and upstairs hallway.

“Purrrr-fect”, said the leader of the group. “She fell for his sob story. We did our job! He will once again rule that household! When will humans realize that not only we smarter than dogs. We are also smarter than them! Stupid humans!”

The group twittered.

“Yeaaa”, purred the Tabby. “So, who is next on our list Should we help the Persian that is gnawing her fur out because of the new bird in her home or the Balinese that is eating the fluff out of the pillows because he hates the new baby that his family just brought home?”

“The Balinese definitely”, the leader said. “Now, everyone raise a paw to Max!”

“Here’s to Max”, the group cheered. “May he once again show everyone that CATS RULE!!”