Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Guess what? I am writing a book! Yup a real book with words and chapters and everything! Sapphire Books Publishing believes that much in little ole me! It should come out in Oct/Nov. I am also updating my blog so that The Happy Lesbian Housewife comes back with a BANG! So hold on folks and let me get all caught up. I can't wait to get back out there and talk to you all!

Friday, August 10, 2012

Funny Friday

A guy walks into a bar and orders two shots of Vodka.

The bar tender says "had a tough day?"

The man replied "yeah I found out my little brother is gay".

The next day the same guy walks in to the bar again and this time orders 3 shots of Vodka.

The bartender says "another bad day?"

The man replied "yeah i just found out my older brother is gay".

The next day the same man walks in the bar and this time orders 5 shots of Vodka.

The bartender looked at him and said "Man doesn't anybody in your family like women?

The man then replied "yeah, My wife"

From Funny joke rating . Com

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Fresh young voices hit the right note on Chick-fil-A

During the whole Chick-fil-A fiasco I watched in horror as people attacked one another all in the name of a stupid sandwich.  I saw my gay friends and family being hurt by the hate, ignorance and anger directed towards our community.  I also saw many straight friends and family attack the very core of who I am and what I stand for!  I must admit that I was hurt.  I cried many tears over the venom that spewed forth from people that I thought would take the side of what is human and just.  I was unfriended by several on Facebook due to standing up for my family.  I was also called "narrow-minded" by one specific "friend" from highschool.  Narrow-minded because I would not denounce my gay community and our rights as humans.  So, finally, I retreated.  I stopped reading about the support days and how this was all about free speech.  I stepped back from reading peoples posts about fairness and equality.  I put my head in the sand!  This action of retreat was so far removed from who I am that I grew a bit ashamed.  I didn't know what to do to help our community.  I wondered if I was strong enough to do anything at all. 

When I finally started to peep out of my hidey-hole, I looked at what others were doing.  I wondered what my first step should be to reclaim the proud lesbian that I knew mysef to be.  Finally I heard from the deep recesses of my being.  "Write" it said.  "Do what you do best.  Spread the word."  So I decided to do just that!  I wanted to feature some people that were fighting back against the rhetoric so I began to search.  Imagine my surprise when I saw a clip of two young girls singing a song to Chick-fil-A and realized that I knew one of them.  Chrissy Chambers had dated my son a few years back.  She had visited our home and my son had flown to Mississippi to visit hers.  They had gone to prom together.  I knew her as a quiet but strong willed young woman with a love of acting.  Now, here she was with her girlfriend, Bria, singing a fun little ditty about homosexuals.  I knew that I had to get in touch with both of them and find out how two young 20-somethings got the moxie to put it all out there.

Following is my talk with Chrissy Chambers and Bria Kam.  Enjoy getting to know two very talented, caring and in love young women.  Show your support by visiting their websites and Facebook pages.  You may even want to buy their song knowing that you decide how much you want to pay for it and 50% of all proceeds will go to 'Freedom to Marry,' a group that fights for gay marriage. Please support them so they can keep making music for us!

So, chick-fil-a-got you really riled up huh? Tell me why?
Bria: Ha, yeah I guess you could say that. We have been on a mission ever since Dan Cathy spoke out against homosexual marriage. We do want to make one thing very clear though, our argument is not about Cathy’s freedom of speech; it is about the fact that a huge company supports organizations that prevent homosexuals from equal rights. Plain and simple.

How did the video/song come to be? 
Chrissy: Wednesday’s customer appreciation day was the real turning point for us. We went to show our support by ordering water, and kissing in front of the “Welcome to Chick-Fil-A” sign, as we left we began talking about an idea to write a song that we could show to the world.

Bria: When I got home I sat down at my piano inspired, not mad, and wrote the song in about 2 hours.

 What made you want to take it mainstream? 

 Bria: We both had the desire to have our voices heard; we wanted to do it in a peaceful, silly way. We went and protested at multiple Chick-Fil-A’s, but we knew that that wouldn’t be enough. By making a video, we knew we had the ability to reach the masses and really have our voices heard.   Now our main goal with this video is to help raise money for organizations like “Freedom To Marry.”

 Tell me about the feedback, both positive and negative.

 Bria:  It’s been very mixed, Thankfully it’s taken a more positive turn in the last 2 days, because the first responses were pretty brutal. Here is an example of some of the things people have said to us, “You guys are just a couple of trash digging fag*ot  psychopath, homosexual whores, cool hope you get HIV bitch.” Let’s just say we’ve never read the word skank so many times in our lives. But it’s when we read comments like this, “You two make a beautiful couple and what you're doing is helping more people than you know. Thank you.”,  and having multiple people coming out to us on Facebook, that it makes all the harassment worth it.

 How do your families feel about the fact that you took this stand so  publicly?

 Chrissy: My family has shown such strength through all of this, I’m from small town Clinton, Mississippi where they don’t regularly wave the pride flag. I came out less than a year ago, and ever since, my parents and my two older sisters have been my backbone, filling me with courage and love. I couldn’t ask for anything more amazing that the openness and support my family has given to me since day one.

 Bria: My parents have always been super supportive and very involved. I came out when I was 16, and have felt completely adored both before and after I came out. My family is fully aware of how defiant of the norm that both Chrissy and I tend to be, so it’s no surprise that we both turned out to be performers and it’s even less of a surprise that we both have chosen to stand up for our beliefs.

Chrissy, I've known you for a while now; actually my son took you to prom.  Have you always known you were gay?

 Chrissy: I don’t tend to define myself as gay, but then again I don’t tend to define myself. I fell in love with a girl, and that’s all I know. Once I knew I wanted to be with Bria the rest was easy and fell into place.

 Once you knew that Bria was the one was it hard coming out in rural Mississippi?  

 Chrissy: When I came out, I trusted my own instincts that my family would be supportive.  In regards to Mississippi, everybody else’s opinions frankly do not matter.

 How did you two meet?

Chrissy:  It was pretty romantic, I went out with some friends in Atlanta and in my mind I wanted to meet a female performer, I never had dated a girl at that point, and sure enough I walked into my first ever gay bar, and this beautiful brunette approached me. We were both pretty crazy about each other ever since.
How long have you been together?

Bria: We have been together 9 months now.

Have you felt any fear of retribution since the video hit?

 Bria:  It was only 2 days ago when my friend Marshall said to me, “Bria you girls need to be careful you are a real target to predators”, that I finally stopped and realized, wow we really put ourselves out here, and that’s terrifying because you can’t turn back. But I know that the pros outweigh the cons and that we’re fighting for equality, and there’s no such thing as an easy fight.

What do you hope to accomplish with your new found voice?
Bria:  I keep having this reoccurring dream.  Chrissy and I end up on the Ellen show, and at the very end of our interview Ellen goes well we have a surprise for you and she pulls out this check for $500,000 and she says this goes to any charity of your choice.  I know that seems a little eager, but you can’t really help where your dreams take you.

What goals do you have moving forward with this?

 Bria:  We have many goals, raising a couple million to compete with Dan’s contribution would be a great start, but mostly we just want to spread awareness.

Any new songs that we can look forward to?
Bria:  Well of course! We have two that are pretty much written. We plan on filming one tonight actually entitled, “I Have Two Moms.” We also have so many more ideas that we are eager to put into action. We love that there is a great avenue for our creativity and for our voice!

Who do you hope to reach  with your message?
Chrissy:  That’s a hard question.  We would say the gay community, in particular the troubled youth. We want them to know that there are those of us out there fighting on behalf of them.   But, even more, we hope to reach the closed minded who fail to see the homosexual fight.  

Bria:  I guess we would have to say that we hope to reach everyone in the whole entire world.
15.Do either or both of you have a message to Dan Cathy?

 Both: "Your food is delicious we’re really going to miss it."

16. There are so many LGBTQ teens as well as adults that are afraid  to come out for many reasons.   What would you like to say to them?

Bria: Life is hard, and being gay doesn’t make it any easier. Just remember we only have one life, so live it for yourself and not for others approval, and don’t allow others to define you by your sexuality. Most importantly always remember to appreciate your support system.

Your song and interviews have been featured on several media outlets now. Name a few.

 Chrissy: The New York Times Blog, The Advocate, After Ellen, and Project Q.

 What are your hopes for the gay marriage issue?

 Bria: I want my children to read about this issue in the history books just like I read about woman’s suffrage and civil rights. I want my children to think of me as old for being part of the last generation that didn’t have total equality.

What are your hopes for your relationship?

 Chrissy: Bria and I are taking in every moment with each other and enjoying our new found love. The fact that we both feed off of each other’s craft, mine being acting and Bria’s being singing, has allowed us a unique bond and purpose that has strengthened our relationship.

 Any last words or a song that you would like to leave people with?

 Chrissy: I’m not quite sure why this song came to me, but it feels appropriate. “Seasons of Love”, from  RENT.   All anybody wants in life is love, homosexuals are no different, I wish people could strip all their insecurities and just get to the core, that life is about love, that’s what this song is about and that’s what we are about.


Many thanks to both Bria and Chrissy for making time to speak with me.  Thanks also for restoring some of my hope that one day we will all be equal.  Please visit their sites and help them to help us!

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Heroes Among Us

While browsing YouTube looking for more talking doggies, kids saying "bad words" and young women singing about how much they love cats...every kind of cat, I found an amazing young woman with the courage to "come out" publicly at her highschool's graduation.  After "snot crying", (Sweeties phrase for my over-emotional, empathetic fits of tears and snot) for half hour, I realized that I needed to share this with my friends and followers.  So, dear friends, sit back and listen to one of the bravest young women around.  BRAVO Kayla Nicole!!

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

The Big Ole Piss Poor Pity Party

I should apologize for dropping out of sight for a while.  Quite simply put, I have been having a pity party.  Yup, a big ole "Woe is me", thumb-sucking, "what did I ever do" pity party!  Guess what, it got me nowhere!

I do realize that this year has been a tough one for so many and I am no different.  I have spent much time thinking about it lately though.  Allowing it to fester and grow and eat at the very core of myself. Since March, my granddaughter was diagnosed with a blood disorder, my daughter lost her unborn baby, I was hospitalized with near kidney failure, my youngest son has had a facial cyst that fills with infection and turns him into the creature from the black lagoon at least twice.  It must be surgically removed from his jaw/face soon before it gets very serious.  I got walking pneumonia TWICE and have passed kidney stones multiple times.  We just had to put our beloved Shepherd down due to illness 2 weeks before Thanksgiving and  I had a car wreck a few days after that...I'm ok, they ran, my car needed $1000 bucks of work/tires and that sucks.  Then just a few days ago my dear sweet cousin who is 36 and a single army dad was just diagnosed with Lymphoma which has spread pretty much everywhere, wah, wah, wah!

I was feeling pretty sorry for myself!  How much worse could this get?  What had I done for all of this to poor out on me.  Why me....gloom...woe...adversity...a really big old PISS POOR PITY PARTY!  I was basically walking around the house singing the ole "Hee-Haw" ditty:

"Gloom, despair, and agony on me
Deep, dark depression, excessive misery
If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all
Gloom, despair, and agony on me"

Then, this weekend, while talking to the cousin who has been diagnosed with cancer, he said to me, 'Well, cuz, it could be worse. My feet are healthy.  No cancer there!  " I kind of sat back and thought a second and since we had been talking for about 2 hours, I replied, "And, your tongue seems to work ok too. That is a good thing!"  Then we laughed.  Hard!  Really, really, hard.  It was wonderful. His words and humor made me realize that it was time to put on my big girl panties and get back to knowing that tomorrow would be better and the next day would be even more so!  None of this is funny per se, but there is still humor there if you look deeply enough. I also realized that it is not about me. It is about the lessons we learn and how we learn to apply them day to day.

I am telling you this not for pity, but to let you know that sometimes life gives us shit and it is up to us to pull ourselves up by the bootstraps and shovel our way out of it.  We may stink and be a bit tired when we get finished but we will know that we are stronger and that there is love and laughter under the pile. 

Moral of the story: Get the shit out of your way and get ready for 2011 folks...it's gonna be a doozy!

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Hello, My name is Max and I have a problem

Upon returning home from Canada, I was immediately faced with a huge dilemma. My sweet boy had a problem. It had been building for a while. Slowly, slowly getting worse! Sweetie and I had tried to ignore it, had spoke with him about it and had even discussed a medical intervention for him. When I came home the problem had exacerbated to a point where I felt that it was finally time to move forward with getting help for him before it was too late.

“Max”, I said with the Mommy voice that said I was serious but supportive. “It is time. Head out to the car, buckle up and We are going to get you some help for your plight.”

He said nothing. He simply dropped his head and did as he was told. We headed out immediately. I drove him to the arranged meeting place and let him out. He headed in without question. He was ready too; I could feel it! I was so proud of him. I parked the Jeep and headed in to stand in the back of the room for support if needed. I knew I had to let him do this himself, but I am a mom!

He was sitting in a chair on the right side of the semi-circle that was to be his support group. He listened quietly as each of the others introduced themselves and told why they were there. Finally I saw him breathe deeply and I knew that he had gathered his wits and was going to finally open up! My heart skipped a beat. I held my breath. The waiting was intense.

He looked back at me, turned to the group and purred sweetly, “Hello, my name is Max and I have a problem!”

“Hello Max,” the rest of the felines purred.

Max continued with some shame, “I pee on the upstairs hall carpet.”

“MEOWWWW,” the others purred in support.

“I have not always done it. I don’t even want to do it. I just get so angry and strike back in the only way I know how.” He moaned.

“Tell it Max!”, one especially pretty Manx said.

“It all started with those new pups! The Mommas brought them home unexpectedly. For the longest, it was me and my best friend Tita. Tita was wonderful…for a dog! She was my pet! I loved her! When Mommy came to live with Momma, Tita and me, she brought Juno. Juno was a trial at first. She barked too much and she took time away from Mommy sometimes. She was also too damned active and drove me crazy….”
“Speak it!”, said a Tabby sitting to Max’s left.

“…but I got used to her eventually”, Max continued. “Then the puppies came! Oh my God! They were awful! They still are! I just don’t know how to deal with their shenanigans. Then, when Tita died, everything just got worse! So I began to pee on the carpet in the upstairs hall!”

“Let it out”, said a gorgeous Abyssinian.

“The puppies bark at me and chase me. They eat my food, Juno especially, and won’t even let me walk across the living room without attacking me. Piper see’s me walk toward the office and barks loudly so that everyone knows where I am. Cats are supposed to be able to be stealthy…she ruins that! Also, everyone else in the house is female. There are 5 of them and just one little ole me! That is just too much estrogen for one poor guy!”

“ROWWWWRRRR”, the others said in anger.

“The one that they call Cricket puts my whole head in her mouth!”, Max was gathering speed now. “She tries to chew my ears off. I tried to get the Mommas to understand but they just love those big ole dumb dogs so much! So I started pee’ing on the carpet and then…I even started making myself throw-up on that carpet as well. The Mommas were just assuming that I was eating too much but in reality, I am forcing myself to barf just to get attention!”

“Oh, purrrrr baby!”, the Manx said.
I was shocked by this admission. Tears were flowing. I had not realized how hard all of this had been on poor Max. I wanted to pick him up and chuck him under his double chin and tell him that all would be ok but he was on a roll so I let him continue.

“Now, Momma has had to rip up the carpet in the upstairs hall because it smelled bad….”

Aha, that explains all the mess in the living room and upstairs…but more on that later!

“…and she was grumbling about sending me to an “old kitties home” and I am not even that old. I am only 7. I am just pissed off. Everything has changed. Tita is gone! That little yappy dog, Juno, lives here now. Cricket and Piper are too big and they act like they run the place! Do they not realize that I am in charge. Everyone knows that cats are much more intelligent that dumb ole dogs. EVERYONE!”

“Amen!” said the other mousers.

“I had to get the Mommas attention. So I did what I had to do. Does anyone even get that?”, he meowed out loudly.

The other pussy’s wiped their eyes. I could not help myself and I ran over to Max and grabbed him up, “I am so sorry that we did not get how much the dogs bother you. You are an important part of the family. We all love you Max! You will stay with us as long as you live. I will talk to Momma!  You will never have to go to an “old kitties home”. Please forgive us!”

“It’s ok Mommy. I understand that humans make mistakes. Just keep those big ole dumb dogs in check and everything will be ok now.” Max purred

“Of course, Max, anything you need’, I assured him.

As we left the room I felt him looking back toward his new friends. He winked slyly.

I stroked his back, feeling such relief. He would be ok. Our household would go back to normal. Life was good again…well except for the mess that was now our living room and upstairs hallway.

“Purrrr-fect”, said the leader of the group. “She fell for his sob story. We did our job! He will once again rule that household! When will humans realize that not only we smarter than dogs. We are also smarter than them! Stupid humans!”

The group twittered.

“Yeaaa”, purred the Tabby. “So, who is next on our list Should we help the Persian that is gnawing her fur out because of the new bird in her home or the Balinese that is eating the fluff out of the pillows because he hates the new baby that his family just brought home?”

“The Balinese definitely”, the leader said. “Now, everyone raise a paw to Max!”

“Here’s to Max”, the group cheered. “May he once again show everyone that CATS RULE!!”

Friday, April 16, 2010

And They Call It Puppy Love...

Wow! So, Mike Huckabee has figured me out. I thought I had kept my darkest secrets hidden so well. But apparently he is all-knowing as he figured out that my secret desire is to marry my pet!

There! I said it out loud! I have loved her for over two years now. She is sweet and shiny and loving and kisses me whenever I am sad. She comforts me and cuddles me anytime I need her. She never asks questions and always agrees with me. She is perfect! Why should I not be allowed to marry my sweet little min/pin. Her brown eyes are so very soulful. 
That’s right - Huckabee figured out that all of my efforts in support of gay marriage were, in fact, a thinly veiled attempt to get one step closer to being able to have my relationship with my adorable pup sanctioned by the church and legally recognized by both State and Federal governments.
What an idiot! Comparing gay marriage to incest, polygamy, and bestiality as Huckabee did in a speech given to journalism students at the College of New Jersey in Ewing, NJ, last week is just ignorant. Gay marriage hurts no one. These other acts do. Gay marriage is about love, respect, and honor. Incest, bestiality, and even polygamy are about power and dominance, not love.
Mr. Huckabee, I invite you to do your research. Read. Get to know some gay and lesbian couples and their families. Figure out who they are and what they are about and search your heart for understanding and some love of your own. Stop being so judgmental and learn to live and let live. I will keep you in my prayers - Yep, believe it or not, many gays and lesbians do attend church and pray! And if I do ever decide to marry my dog, you will be the first on my guest list. We’ll be registered at PETCO.

**This blog was posted first on GAY-e-magazine's blog .  Please go there to see this and many other funny, relevent, or political musings by GAY authors!

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

I am pissed off and I have a migraine...Someone Please Explain Why Chelsea King Had To Die.

When I started this blog, I thought it would be mainly about my new life with the woman I love. Mostly humorous with some bittersweet pieces mixed in. But, today, I am not happy. I am pissed off. And, I have a migraine. These two things are not great separately but together, BAM, they are TROUBLE! Just ask my Sweetie, or my kids, or any random friends you may encounter. They will all tell you! Trouble…big trouble!

I do not understand why Chelsea King of San Diego County had to die.

Why was the monster who is accused of killing her allowed to roam our streets freely after what he had already done?

John Albert Gardner III has been accused of kidnapping and murdering this straight A student who’s father called her “Angel”. John Gardner is not new to the court system. He has been convicted of similar crimes before. He pleaded guilty in May 2000 to molesting a 13-year-old female neighbor and served five years of a six-year prison term. Prosecutors said he lured the victim to his home with an offer to watch "Patch Adams," a 1998 movie starring Robin Williams.

That girl was beaten before escaping and running to a neighbor.

Mr. Gardner "never expressed one scintilla of remorse for his attack upon the victim" despite overwhelming evidence, prosecutors wrote in a sentencing memo.
He had faced a maximum of nearly 11 years in prison under terms of a plea agreement but prosecutors urged six years. A psychiatrist who interviewed Gardner, Dr. Matthew Carroll, wanted a stiffer punishment, saying in court documents that he was a
"continued danger to underage girls in the community."

Gardner was on parole for three years, until September 2008, state records show.

San Diego police also say Gardner is positively linked to an assault on a 22-year-old Colorado Springs, Colo., woman who managed to fend off her attacker on Dec. 27 in Rancho Bernardo Community Park on the northern edge of San Diego, where King's 1994 BMW was found with her belongings inside.

So, again, why did Chelsea King have to die?

Why was the monster who is accused of killing her allowed to roam our streets freely after what he had already done?

What am I missing? He was convicted. He was a known offender. A recommendation had been made that he receive a harsher sentence than he received due to the fact that he was a continued danger to underage girls in the community.

Why the hell was he still able to walk the streets, stalking innocent young women? This young girl had a life to live. Love to give. People who loved her. Who is he to be allowed to take that from her? Who is he to be allowed to take her from the people that cared.

Where is her justice? Where were the people who decided to allow him freedom as he took her life? Do they know? Do they “get it”? Do they care? I hope so. I hope that we all learn a lesson from this. I hope that we start to spend more money on our criminal justice system and less on traveling to space. I understand that space travel is important. I also understand that human life is more so!

As I said earlier. I am pissed off! I will never understand why human life must be lost due to “human rights”. I will never get why a criminal should have more rights than an average citizen. I refuse to understand why a pedophile should be allowed the freedom to harm again when a professional stated that he would re-offend!

I take this personally. I am a woman. I am an incest and rape survivor. I am a human. I have rights. Yes, I am pissed off. I hope others are as well. Maybe that way, this young girl will not have died in vain. Maybe her death will propel other women, other incest and rape survivors, other humans who have rights, to come forward and take a stand. Demand that our rights be recognized. Demand that judges and lawyers and legislators understand that we will no longer stand for innocent lives being lost due to the “human rights” of criminals.

I know that we all have certain unalienable rights that are afforded us. I agree that we all make mistakes and that if we pay for them, we can get forgiveness. I realize that people deserve the right to “pay their dues” and be pardoned. But, this man was known to be a danger to others! KNOWN! His rights should not have outweighed the rights of young Chelsea. Unfortunately, this time, they did. He won that battle. But, with the help of the people, Chelsea can still win the war!

Call your Mayor, your Governor, even your newspaper. Just call someone and tell them that you will not stand for this anymore! That something must be done! That no more lives should be lost! Demand harsher sentences, better reporting, more involvement. Ask that this child’s death not be in vain. Do it for Chelsea. Do it for your child, your grandchild, yourself. Whomever you do it for, just do it!

And Chelsea, go rest high on that mountain, Honey. You will not be forgotten. Your death will not be in vain.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Women are hard to understand....

"Men often say, 'Women, who could ever understand them?'
Don't ask a lesbian for an answer.
All you'll get is a sympathetic nod."
~ Joanne Brigden

I totally get this now! Women are hard to understand. I should know, I am one. I also live with and love one. I even have one for a daughter! Had one for a mom too! I don't understand any of us much of the time.

Relationships are hard work. Especially when you can't understand the person that you are in a relationship with.

It doesn't matter if you are in a straight, gay, transgendered, Martian or somewhere in between, relationship. It is work.


You just have to figure out if it is worth it. The relationship, that is.

Of course, with my daughter (and my mom when she was alive), we are stuck together...forever...bonded! Even if I didn't love her, which I do very much, we are forever. Families are like that. At least mine is!
With my lover, people say "there is a choice". " You can always just leave". We are not married after all...nothing holding us together....right???

That scares me. I am very heterosexual in my way of thinking about this subject. I like the idea of something holding us together...but paper doesn't do that. Your heart does. I had the paper in my other life. It did not make everything "work out". My heart was not in that relationship.

BUT, my heart is in this one. I just get scared sometimes because we are not given the same rights and opportunities and chances as "normal" (ha...right) relationships are. I see people in same sex relationships walk away all the time....just walk away...and I get scared.

I am emotional. I wish I were not. So much for wishes...
My sweety is not. I don't always understand that and when she shows no emotion on a subject I am emotional about...fear kicks in...again. This frustrates her and I understand! It frustrates me as well.

I want to talk about it. She is not a talker. But, she is trying to get better at it. I am not the most patient person. I get frustrated. I hope she can understand.

I don't understand women. Myself included.
But, I love this woman. And, I want to be with her.


Yep, relationships are hard work. But if they are worth it to you, then it really shouldn't matter how hard it is.

"Nothing ever comes to one, that is worth having, except as a result of hard work."
~Booker T. Washington
She is worth it to me. She is my family now. We are stuck together...forever...bonded. Families are like that. At least mine is. I hope she will one day know just how true that is.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Little dogs stink too! Guest bloggers, the big dogs, comment...

Yesterday I blogged about our 2 "stinky dogs". They were very upset with me and asked that they be able to write their own blog today. So, without further ado I introduce you to todays guest bloggers...Piper and Cricket!

"Yesterday Mommy told everyone that we were smelly! Well, that may be, but geeze, did she have to tell everybody? We are just babies and we get dirty and we do NOT like to go and let other people put their hands all over us. We don't know where their hands have been. Also, at that "smart pet" place that Mommy talked about, they put a noose around your neck! That was scary! But, what we really want to talk about today is the little dog that lives with us. She laughed at us yesterday when she read Mommys blog! How mean!

The little dog stinks too! Mommy didn't tell you that, but she DOES! Mommy gives her a bath because she is little and doesn't fight very much (because she is dumb and we are smart cuz we went to school and graduated and everything) then Mommy sprays smelly stuff all over her. WOW, talk about stinky! Mommy says she smells like vanilla or something but she kinda smells like butter crackers! Momma says Mommy smells like butter crackers too but Mommy smells good. The little dog does not!

The little dog also wears a pink sweater when she goes outside. HA, a PINK sweater. How dorky. We try and try to bite the pink sweater off so she will look like a real dog (Momma says she is not a real dog) but Mommy yells at us to stop biting her. We are NOT trying to hurt her, we only want to help...most of the time! We know she has short hair and it has been a bit cold here but seriously, a pink sweater...just "DOG UP"!

Another thing about the little dog that bothers us is that the little dog barks and barks when the Mommas start to go anywhere! We do mean ANYWHERE! Momma says she is a "nutter" and needs medication and that makes Mommy mad sometimes. We are not sure what a "nutter" is but we think she is crazy! Why ya gotta bark like a goof? That is not gonna stop the Mommas from leaving and for petes sake, they are gonna come back. She is just a big ole baby!

And ya know what else? When it rains or is really, really cold, that block-headed little dog won't go outside to potty! We guess that she thinks she is gonna melt or something. Hrrruummmppphh...she is such a princess. She even barks and barks to let Mommas know if we are eating poop and that makes the them holler at us! Why's she gotta be such a tattletale? Ole busybody, that's what she is! She also digs ALL the holes in the yard! She does...she really, really does! We have proof ------->
See Momma, it is NOT us!

Anyway, we just wanted to let everyone know that we may be a little icky sometimes but it's not all that bad. At least we are real dogs! Just ask Momma! She knows cuz she knows everything and she says the little dog is really just a rat. So take that you little butter cracker, pink sweater wearin', nutter princess rat! Who's laughing now???
Thanks very much for having us as your guest bloggers Mommy,
Piper and Cricket"
When asked for a comment about Piper and Crickets blog, the little dog "Juno", had this to say:
"I will not lower myself to the big dogs level by commenting on this slanderous drivel. I pride myself on maintaining the highest level of dignity and tact. Therefore, I will simply ignore this piece of fluff as I tend to ignore the big dogs. I must run now and hide all of the big dogs favorite toys! Have a splendid day!"
Juno, AKA "the little dog"

Friday, February 12, 2010

The way to her heart is pancakes....

Me and the sweety have been on a low-cal, low-fat, low-cholesterol diet for a while now. We have been doing so well but the other night while waiting on American Idol to come on, we were both craving something; and by something I mean something with calories, fat, and cholesterol!! My sweety was staring into the refrigerator longingly and I was contemplating any and every thing in the cupboards. She wanted chocolate cake of course and I wanted chips, my favorite! But we had cleaned the house of any of the things that could sabotage us...or so we thought! Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a half empty box of pancake mix!! Oh happy day!

I yelled out, "I want pancakes!" while holding the box above my head and doing a happy dance. "Yes", she cried, "pancakes!"

Then the guilt set in!

"Oh honey, we can't have pancakes. You have to go back to the doctor and i need to take care of you and ....."

"But I want pancakes now" she pouted, "you said it and you made me want it."

Well, I hate to see a grown woman pout, even tough I do it quite often, so I looked at the box to check the calorie count...not bad! I checked the cholesterol...again, not too bad...

So I said, 'Yes baby, I will fix you the pancakes!"

"Oh thank you" she said, "thank you, thank you, thank you!"

"Anything for you honey" I replied, eyeing the picture on the box hungrily.

So cook pancakes I did! I fixed a big stack of them and set them out on the plates, poured the skim milk for my sweety..she IS still watching her cholesterol after all...and served them to her with a flourish.

She took a bite of her stack of delicious, calorie laden pancakes, looked at me with love in her eyes and said, "Damn baby, I just fell in love with you all over again!"

Now isn't that romantic....

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Can't I just be me?

As if coming out was not hard enough, now I hear that I should classify myself as to what type of lesbian I am. Huh? What kind of lesbian I am? Well, I am the kind that loves, lives with and sleeps with a woman! Period. Or so I thought.
While reading up on my terminology, which is a part of my sweety guided "lesbian education", I came across many different types of lesbians. Hmmmm....I knew femme (me, I thought) and dyke (my sweety claims this one)...but stone butch or chapstick lesbian...what the hell? So I set about learning. Here is what I found out:

A Baby Dyke is a young lesbian or someone who is just coming out of the closet. <-----I guess I fit here!
A Blue Jean Femme is a lesbian who identifies as femme but likes jeans and more casual clothing to dresses and skirts. <-----I think this is me!

A Bull Dyke is a very masculine lesbian. Considered offensive by some.

A Butch is a woman who adopts more masculine characteristics, mannerisms and clothing.
A Chapstick lesbian is also known as a soft butch. She usually dresses quite casually and does not wear make-up.

A Diesel Dyke is a very butch or manly lesbian, especially one who is very aggressive or drives trucks or heavy equipment.
A Dyke is another word for lesbian. Usually is only used by people who are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender. Some consider this an offensive term. <-----My sweety says this is her!
A Femme is a feminine lesbian. <-----Could be me....

A Glamour butch is a butch who likes to wear fancy suits, tuxedos, clothing, frequently.

A Gold Star lesbian is a lesbian who has never slept with a man .

A Lipstick lesbian is a lesbian that loves her clothes and makeup and shoes. She tends to dress girly.

A Pillow Queen is someone who likes to be on the receiving end of sex. She likes to be pleasured and may not reciprocate.

A Power Dyke is a lesbian who has gained a position of power, whether within the LGBT community or in the business world. <-----This could be my sweety!

A Soft butch is a lesbian whose appearance may be androgynous. She may dress and act in a masculine manner, but be soft and more feminine in the inside. She could be someone who falls somewhere between butch and femme, but closer to the butch side.
A Sport dyke is a lesbian, who identifies as being an athlete. She may also dress like an athlete, as in baseball caps, sweatshirts and jeans.

A Stem Lesbian is a lesbian who identifies somewhere between "stud" and "femme."

A Stone butch is a lesbian who gets her pleasure from pleasing her partner. She may not like to be touched sexually. <-----This is definately NOT me!

A Stud is a dominant lesbian, usually butch.

There are many more I am sure but I am so confused now that I just can't read anymore! I don't know what I am...I don't know much of anything now. I just know that I love my sweety and she loves me, with or without a label. Shouldn't that be enough?

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Where is my "toaster oven" dammit?

Question: What does a lesbian bring on a second date?
Answer: A U-haul.

Ummm...ok so we didn't do it quite that quickly...but we did it. We moved in together! We have a life. We have love. We have a family...well, a little dog, 2 BIG puppies and a cat. But they count, right?? We also have "family". A lesbian couple that would do anything for us and their son, our nephew. So there...we are officially a couple. My big question now is: "Where is my toaster oven dammit??"

If you don't understand what I mean by that...well, I'll explain it. Ellen DeGeneres made the toaster oven joke famous. The joke is based on the premise there is some secret-society lesbian recruiting service – kind of like Amway – that gives out toaster ovens when you "turn somebody gay." So my sweety who, in some peoples eyes, converted ME told me that we would get a toaster oven. Well, how exciting! I have always wanted a toaster oven. We have been living together for 11 months now and it has still not arrived. I do the biggest part of the cooking and could really use this in the kitchen. Does anyone know how long it takes to arrive after the "conversion"? Is there a time specification to see if the lesbianism "sticks" after said conversion? Who can I ask? Who is in charge of the secret-society lesbian recruiting service? If anyone out there has the phone number, could you please send it to me? It would be much appreciated as I am on a budget and getting the aforementioned FREE toaster oven would make me such a happy camper...well, we don't camp but you know what I mean. I would appreciate any answers, phone numbers, or secret society addresses that anyone may have. I will let you all know when the oven arrives. Heck, I will even invite you over for Baked Ziti!