Friday, August 10, 2012

Funny Friday

A guy walks into a bar and orders two shots of Vodka.

The bar tender says "had a tough day?"

The man replied "yeah I found out my little brother is gay".

The next day the same guy walks in to the bar again and this time orders 3 shots of Vodka.

The bartender says "another bad day?"

The man replied "yeah i just found out my older brother is gay".

The next day the same man walks in the bar and this time orders 5 shots of Vodka.

The bartender looked at him and said "Man doesn't anybody in your family like women?

The man then replied "yeah, My wife"

From Funny joke rating . Com

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Fresh young voices hit the right note on Chick-fil-A

During the whole Chick-fil-A fiasco I watched in horror as people attacked one another all in the name of a stupid sandwich.  I saw my gay friends and family being hurt by the hate, ignorance and anger directed towards our community.  I also saw many straight friends and family attack the very core of who I am and what I stand for!  I must admit that I was hurt.  I cried many tears over the venom that spewed forth from people that I thought would take the side of what is human and just.  I was unfriended by several on Facebook due to standing up for my family.  I was also called "narrow-minded" by one specific "friend" from highschool.  Narrow-minded because I would not denounce my gay community and our rights as humans.  So, finally, I retreated.  I stopped reading about the support days and how this was all about free speech.  I stepped back from reading peoples posts about fairness and equality.  I put my head in the sand!  This action of retreat was so far removed from who I am that I grew a bit ashamed.  I didn't know what to do to help our community.  I wondered if I was strong enough to do anything at all. 

When I finally started to peep out of my hidey-hole, I looked at what others were doing.  I wondered what my first step should be to reclaim the proud lesbian that I knew mysef to be.  Finally I heard from the deep recesses of my being.  "Write" it said.  "Do what you do best.  Spread the word."  So I decided to do just that!  I wanted to feature some people that were fighting back against the rhetoric so I began to search.  Imagine my surprise when I saw a clip of two young girls singing a song to Chick-fil-A and realized that I knew one of them.  Chrissy Chambers had dated my son a few years back.  She had visited our home and my son had flown to Mississippi to visit hers.  They had gone to prom together.  I knew her as a quiet but strong willed young woman with a love of acting.  Now, here she was with her girlfriend, Bria, singing a fun little ditty about homosexuals.  I knew that I had to get in touch with both of them and find out how two young 20-somethings got the moxie to put it all out there.

Following is my talk with Chrissy Chambers and Bria Kam.  Enjoy getting to know two very talented, caring and in love young women.  Show your support by visiting their websites and Facebook pages.  You may even want to buy their song knowing that you decide how much you want to pay for it and 50% of all proceeds will go to 'Freedom to Marry,' a group that fights for gay marriage. Please support them so they can keep making music for us!

So, chick-fil-a-got you really riled up huh? Tell me why?
Bria: Ha, yeah I guess you could say that. We have been on a mission ever since Dan Cathy spoke out against homosexual marriage. We do want to make one thing very clear though, our argument is not about Cathy’s freedom of speech; it is about the fact that a huge company supports organizations that prevent homosexuals from equal rights. Plain and simple.

How did the video/song come to be? 
Chrissy: Wednesday’s customer appreciation day was the real turning point for us. We went to show our support by ordering water, and kissing in front of the “Welcome to Chick-Fil-A” sign, as we left we began talking about an idea to write a song that we could show to the world.

Bria: When I got home I sat down at my piano inspired, not mad, and wrote the song in about 2 hours.

 What made you want to take it mainstream? 

 Bria: We both had the desire to have our voices heard; we wanted to do it in a peaceful, silly way. We went and protested at multiple Chick-Fil-A’s, but we knew that that wouldn’t be enough. By making a video, we knew we had the ability to reach the masses and really have our voices heard.   Now our main goal with this video is to help raise money for organizations like “Freedom To Marry.”

 Tell me about the feedback, both positive and negative.

 Bria:  It’s been very mixed, Thankfully it’s taken a more positive turn in the last 2 days, because the first responses were pretty brutal. Here is an example of some of the things people have said to us, “You guys are just a couple of trash digging fag*ot  psychopath, homosexual whores, cool hope you get HIV bitch.” Let’s just say we’ve never read the word skank so many times in our lives. But it’s when we read comments like this, “You two make a beautiful couple and what you're doing is helping more people than you know. Thank you.”,  and having multiple people coming out to us on Facebook, that it makes all the harassment worth it.

 How do your families feel about the fact that you took this stand so  publicly?

 Chrissy: My family has shown such strength through all of this, I’m from small town Clinton, Mississippi where they don’t regularly wave the pride flag. I came out less than a year ago, and ever since, my parents and my two older sisters have been my backbone, filling me with courage and love. I couldn’t ask for anything more amazing that the openness and support my family has given to me since day one.

 Bria: My parents have always been super supportive and very involved. I came out when I was 16, and have felt completely adored both before and after I came out. My family is fully aware of how defiant of the norm that both Chrissy and I tend to be, so it’s no surprise that we both turned out to be performers and it’s even less of a surprise that we both have chosen to stand up for our beliefs.

Chrissy, I've known you for a while now; actually my son took you to prom.  Have you always known you were gay?

 Chrissy: I don’t tend to define myself as gay, but then again I don’t tend to define myself. I fell in love with a girl, and that’s all I know. Once I knew I wanted to be with Bria the rest was easy and fell into place.

 Once you knew that Bria was the one was it hard coming out in rural Mississippi?  

 Chrissy: When I came out, I trusted my own instincts that my family would be supportive.  In regards to Mississippi, everybody else’s opinions frankly do not matter.

 How did you two meet?

Chrissy:  It was pretty romantic, I went out with some friends in Atlanta and in my mind I wanted to meet a female performer, I never had dated a girl at that point, and sure enough I walked into my first ever gay bar, and this beautiful brunette approached me. We were both pretty crazy about each other ever since.
How long have you been together?

Bria: We have been together 9 months now.

Have you felt any fear of retribution since the video hit?

 Bria:  It was only 2 days ago when my friend Marshall said to me, “Bria you girls need to be careful you are a real target to predators”, that I finally stopped and realized, wow we really put ourselves out here, and that’s terrifying because you can’t turn back. But I know that the pros outweigh the cons and that we’re fighting for equality, and there’s no such thing as an easy fight.

What do you hope to accomplish with your new found voice?
Bria:  I keep having this reoccurring dream.  Chrissy and I end up on the Ellen show, and at the very end of our interview Ellen goes well we have a surprise for you and she pulls out this check for $500,000 and she says this goes to any charity of your choice.  I know that seems a little eager, but you can’t really help where your dreams take you.

What goals do you have moving forward with this?

 Bria:  We have many goals, raising a couple million to compete with Dan’s contribution would be a great start, but mostly we just want to spread awareness.

Any new songs that we can look forward to?
Bria:  Well of course! We have two that are pretty much written. We plan on filming one tonight actually entitled, “I Have Two Moms.” We also have so many more ideas that we are eager to put into action. We love that there is a great avenue for our creativity and for our voice!

Who do you hope to reach  with your message?
Chrissy:  That’s a hard question.  We would say the gay community, in particular the troubled youth. We want them to know that there are those of us out there fighting on behalf of them.   But, even more, we hope to reach the closed minded who fail to see the homosexual fight.  

Bria:  I guess we would have to say that we hope to reach everyone in the whole entire world.
15.Do either or both of you have a message to Dan Cathy?

 Both: "Your food is delicious we’re really going to miss it."

16. There are so many LGBTQ teens as well as adults that are afraid  to come out for many reasons.   What would you like to say to them?

Bria: Life is hard, and being gay doesn’t make it any easier. Just remember we only have one life, so live it for yourself and not for others approval, and don’t allow others to define you by your sexuality. Most importantly always remember to appreciate your support system.

Your song and interviews have been featured on several media outlets now. Name a few.

 Chrissy: The New York Times Blog, The Advocate, After Ellen, and Project Q.

 What are your hopes for the gay marriage issue?

 Bria: I want my children to read about this issue in the history books just like I read about woman’s suffrage and civil rights. I want my children to think of me as old for being part of the last generation that didn’t have total equality.

What are your hopes for your relationship?

 Chrissy: Bria and I are taking in every moment with each other and enjoying our new found love. The fact that we both feed off of each other’s craft, mine being acting and Bria’s being singing, has allowed us a unique bond and purpose that has strengthened our relationship.

 Any last words or a song that you would like to leave people with?

 Chrissy: I’m not quite sure why this song came to me, but it feels appropriate. “Seasons of Love”, from  RENT.   All anybody wants in life is love, homosexuals are no different, I wish people could strip all their insecurities and just get to the core, that life is about love, that’s what this song is about and that’s what we are about.!/BriaAndChrissy

Many thanks to both Bria and Chrissy for making time to speak with me.  Thanks also for restoring some of my hope that one day we will all be equal.  Please visit their sites and help them to help us!

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Heroes Among Us

While browsing YouTube looking for more talking doggies, kids saying "bad words" and young women singing about how much they love cats...every kind of cat, I found an amazing young woman with the courage to "come out" publicly at her highschool's graduation.  After "snot crying", (Sweeties phrase for my over-emotional, empathetic fits of tears and snot) for half hour, I realized that I needed to share this with my friends and followers.  So, dear friends, sit back and listen to one of the bravest young women around.  BRAVO Kayla Nicole!!

Monday, June 4, 2012

Obsessive Compulsive Humor

If you are offended by the idea of looking at the humorous side of OCD,  you may not want to continue reading.  Try to remember that people use different ways of coping with things and that humor is just one of those ways. Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is an anxiety disorder characterized by unreasonable thoughts and obsessions that lead you to do repetitive behaviors or compulsions.  I don’t want to diminish the anxiety of living with OCD.  But let’s admit it: OCD can be very funny. Looking at the lighter side of life can help most problems and lets face it, laughing is good for you.

I believe that my Sweetie has a mild form of this disorder.  She, however, swears that she does not.  She says that she is just neat and likes everything to have a place and to be in that place.  She also says that germs are not our friends and should be avoided at all costs.  I, on the other hand, could care less where the canned goods go as long as they are in the general vicinity of the cabinet.  I also subscribe to the 5 second rule.  As long as the food that you drop on the ground outside of Sonic only stays there 5 seconds or is still good!  When I grab a french fry off the food stained concrete and pop it in my mouth, Sweetie starts to tic.  Her head twitches to the side and her face scrunches up a bit like Popeye.  I hear a whoosh escape her mouth followed by a gagging noise.  I drop another fry and count to 4 then grab it and shove it in my mouth just for fun.

When Sweetie and I first got together, I had to be  " trained".  My training came in the form of learning that toilet paper must ALWAYS roll over the top.  It is more efficient that way....*rolling eyes here*...I also had to learn that pillow cases should always have the opening facing toward the outside of the bed.  This has something to do with germs spewing out toward our faces while we sleep.  I had never thought of that before but thanks for the visual Sweetie!

The next lesson  was that all canned goods should be separated by type and should all face forward in exactly the same manner.  Corn goes with corn, green beans with green beans, tomato soup with tomato soup etc.   There were also lessons on how to buy lotto tickets.  3 Powerball tickets and 2 Lotto tickets must be bought by Sweetie at the same Mobile station on Wednesday only.  She has never won the lottery so I question her rules a bit...but whatever.

I have always been a good student so I followed Sweetie around and took notes.  I was determined to be a dutiful wife.

*Corn goes on the lower far right of the cabinet
*Spaghetti sauce goes in the upper left corner
*Toilet paper, Angel Soft only, must roll over the top for efficiency
*The guest room lamp must be turned on at 6:45 PM

I started to black out...then, a plot began to hatch in the very dark recesses of my mind.  I continued to follow Sweetie around.  She thought I was being such a devoted spouse.  I was really making notes on how to drive her bat-shit crazy.

About a week later, I put my plan into action.  While Sweetie was at work on a Tuesday, I got  busy.  I thought that I would start by being a good wifey and went to the Hess station to buy 1 Lotto and 4 Powerball tickets.  I skipped gaily back into the house and went to work.  Nothing was left untouched.  I started in the bathroom where I put a roll of Charmin on the spool.  It was rolling from the bottom and I let it fall into a pool on the floor.  Next I went into the bedroom where I placed the sheets with the tag at the top of the bed.  The pillowcases all were placed so that the opening was facing inward.  Germs be damned!

Next came the kitchen.  I mixed all of the vegetables together.  Corn and green beans were stacked together.  Spaghetti sauce was with the cereal.  Everything was facing a different way.  The sodas in the refrigerator went where the milk should be and the cheese was placed in with the fruit.  I grabbed the potato chips and placed them on the dining room table along with my nail polish and a cheese grater.

Giggles started to rumble through me as I went into the guest room and turned on the lamp at 4:15!  I then went into the guest bathroom and took the toilet paper off of the spool and placed it on the sink.  Gales of laughter burst from my throat.  I was behaving like a mad woman.  Then, I heard Sweeties truck in the driveway.  I ran into the living room and plopped down on the sofa like nothing was amiss.

Sweetie walked in the door and immediately knew something was awry.  She tilted her head back and forth like a puppy.  She sniffed the air.  She looked around.  A yelp escaped her lips.  She felt it.  Something was different.  Up the stairs she ran into the bedroom.  Silence.  The bathroom was next.  More silence.  I began to feel fearful.   Sweetie ran back to the living room and saw that the guest room light was already on and it was only 5:15PM.  Also, there was "stuff" on the dining table.  Her hands began to shake as she made the turn into the kitchen.  Then a loud scream emanated  from her very core.  I heard the cabinets open and then a loud thump.  I ran to see what was going on.  My Sweetie was in a pile on the floor.  Her eyes were closed and drool was dribbling from the corner of her mouth.  I had killed her.

I squatted down beside her to see if I should do CPR.  She opened her eyes a little bit and moaned.  She was still alive.  Whew, I felt relief.  I wouldn't do well in jail.  I patted her hand and assured her that she would be ok.  Then I noticed an M&M on the floor.  An evil grin split my face as I grabbed it and popped it in my mouth.  Sweeties eyes rolled back again.  Evidently OCD is a little more serious than I realized.

NOTE: After reading this post, I got a phone call from Sweetie which went like this.... " just read your blog and once again thank you so much for making me look like a tool. Btw, please tell me that you used the lint roller on the sheets before you made the bed and that you didn't use my deodorant again. You know I hate fuzzies and sharing deodorant is gross...ack the germs!" Hmmmmm I think she missed the point!

Sunday, August 7, 2011


It is almost time for a short vacation.  I was glancing through vacation magazines when Sweetie strolled by and said, "Remember last year?  Wasn't it just wonderful?  We must start to plan for this years time away."  
It is August.  We won't go until at least November. I started to rememer all of the planning that had gone into last years visit to P-Town and the tears started to flow. I started to shake and a tic developed in my right eye. The memories continued to flow...   


The decision had been made - Sweetie and I were going to P’Town  (Provincetown, MA) for our vacation this year. We will be going for Women’s Week (October 8 – 18, 2010). How cool is that? I’ve never been there, but Sweetie has, one time, the first year we started dating. We had been trying to decide between Europe and P’Town for a few months with Sweetie leaning toward Europe and I, of course, leaning the other way. This is quite normal for us - we tend to lean in different directions - but, we discussed it; we worked it out; we made the decision as a couple. How exciting! After months of back and forth, I was just thrilledthat we’d made a decision. I thought we were done at that point. Finished. Complete. You see, I am a true Pisces. I am a bit wishy-washy, a dreamer, I fly by the seat of my pants. I am romantic, somewhat unrealistic, and a bit impractical. I thought if we had made the decision, we were through. However, even though Sweetie is a Pisces as well, someone forgot to tell her this. She is very much a practical person. She is incredibly realistic, tremendously black-and-white in her way of looking at things, and she plans everything right down to the minute level of detail. There is nothing wishy-washy about her at all. She is the "Anti-Pisces"!

Once we’d decided on a destination she told me that now it was time to decide where to stay, what to drive when we get there, when to fly out, what side trips to take, the entertainment schedule, and everything else. We had to do this NOW? Six and a half months before the actual vacation? Twenty-seven and a half weeks? Approximately 205 days? Right at 4,920 hours? Holy cow! We gotta do it right this minute? This very second? Right NOW? We have just a wee bit of time left before we actually leave.
“The first thing that we need to do is make a list of what we want in an inn/hotel/bed-andbreakfast,”
she said.

“Oh, dear lord,” I thought. “Another list.” But I said aloud, “Oh, good idea, honey. You go upstairs to the office and work on your list and I’ll hang out down here and work on my list and then when we are both finished, we will come back together and merge the two and have the perfect room! Sound good?”

“I am glad to see that you are taking this so seriously,” she said happily, if a bit incredulously. “Sounds like a plan.”

So off she went upstairs. I could hear her working right away.


I got my yellow legal pad (I have a thing for yellow legal pads) and my mechanical pencils. I sat down on the couch, turned on the TV, and proceeded to get lost in a rerun of The Breakfast Club. The Breakfast Club is one of my all-time favorite movies. I think it is quite possiblythe best movie EVER. Molly Ringwald rocks. For the next hour-and-a-half, I was absorbed in the angst that I had felt as a teen. I also polished my fingernails and toenails, but then decided that I was too old for the bright green that I had used and redid them using purple. It was the perfect color, so I used it on the dogs as well. I did use this time to think of all of my wants and needs for the inn/hotel/bed-and-breakfast too. See, I remembered what I was supposed to be doing - most of the time. I wrote a few things down, then scratched a couple out. Wrote down a couple
more - and then decided to bake cupcakes. Next I decided to change purses. The gray one is starting to go out of season and I’d just bought this really cute white one with a big heart/flower on it. It is sooooo adorable. I noticed the cupcakes were finished baking, so I got them out, frosted them, and thought some more about what I am looking for in a room for vacation. I figured that if I took a cupcake up to Sweetie and peeked over her shoulder I might get some ideas off of her paper. No such luck. She grabbed that cupcake,
accused me of cheating, slapped me on the butt, and kicked me out of the office.



Back downstairs I went, pouting a bit. I saw a copy of People magazine lying on the dining table and thought that maybe it would have some ideas for vacation rooms in it, or at least some juicy gossip. That sounded good to me, so I read it. Wow, there was some really juicy gossip this week. Not so much on the vacation front though. Finally, after about four hours, Sweetie calleddown that she was finished. I told her that I was too, and that we could now “merge.”

She told me to bring my stuff up to the office. I grabbed my yellow legal pad and my pencils and headed up there.


Oh. My. God.

I walked in and she had put together a complete Power-Point presentation ready for my perusal. I pulled my legal pad to my chest tightly and watched as she started to go through everything that was important to her in
picture format.  Deck or balcony. Close to town. Right off of Commercial St/ or within walking distance.


Queen or king-sized bed with at least 800 thread count sheets. Flat-screen TV/DVD. Fireplace. Private bath. Parking. 4+ stars


Must be soundproof so that others can’t hear us (Or rather me. What can I say about that one? I get loud sometimes, okay?).  Refrigerator.  Air conditioner.  Water view.  Down feather pillows and comforter. Terrycloth robes.  Sofa (does not have to be brown leather,thank God).  High tea served.

I totally faded out here … not sure what else followed.…

Blah, blah, blah….


After Sweetie’s presentation finished, she lookedat me with pride in her eyes and asked, “Where is your list, honey, so that I can merge the two and we can actually take a look at the perfect place to stay on our ideal vacation.”

I looked at her,smiled a tiny smile, tore off a single sheet from my yellow legal pad, and handed the page to her. She looked down at it and began to systematically tear her hair out of her head. “This is it?” she asked. “This is ALL you want?”

I looked at my paper.It read, “Bathtub.”

“Yep, that about does it,” I replied enthusiastically. "You know I love me a good, hot bath.”


She let out a primal yell and jumped from the office window. It took me almost an hour to find her and another thirty minutes to pry her hands from around a tree in the neighbor’s yard. She will be okay though. I am quite sure of it. After all, Pisces are quite resilient. Even the Anti-Pisces.

I sure hope I get my bathtub.


As I came back into the present the tic in my right eye intensified, my head started twitching, my left leg jiggled quickly up and down, tears started to flow.  Then it hit me.  How I could get out of all this planning and such.  I jumped up and ran to Sweetie.  I looked her straight in the eye and said, "Honey, instead of wasting all that money this year, why do we just re-do the bathroom. The old 50's pink and green is hideous.  We could have a new white toilet.  A new dark vanity with white sink...woohooo we can even paint!"

That did it.  I saw a smile start to spread across Sweeties face.  She could never turn down a good home improvement project!

"Yes, that does make more fiscal sense. I see your point and reasoning.  We shall remodel," she yelled while pumping her fist in the air like Judd Nelson's character in The Breakfast Club. 

Hey, maybe we can watch Judd Nelson and Molly Ringwald while installing my NEW tub.  I am sure Sweetie would love that. Dang, I'm good.!

"...THEY WAY WE WERE....."

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

The Big Ole Piss Poor Pity Party

I should apologize for dropping out of sight for a while.  Quite simply put, I have been having a pity party.  Yup, a big ole "Woe is me", thumb-sucking, "what did I ever do" pity party!  Guess what, it got me nowhere!

I do realize that this year has been a tough one for so many and I am no different.  I have spent much time thinking about it lately though.  Allowing it to fester and grow and eat at the very core of myself. Since March, my granddaughter was diagnosed with a blood disorder, my daughter lost her unborn baby, I was hospitalized with near kidney failure, my youngest son has had a facial cyst that fills with infection and turns him into the creature from the black lagoon at least twice.  It must be surgically removed from his jaw/face soon before it gets very serious.  I got walking pneumonia TWICE and have passed kidney stones multiple times.  We just had to put our beloved Shepherd down due to illness 2 weeks before Thanksgiving and  I had a car wreck a few days after that...I'm ok, they ran, my car needed $1000 bucks of work/tires and that sucks.  Then just a few days ago my dear sweet cousin who is 36 and a single army dad was just diagnosed with Lymphoma which has spread pretty much everywhere, wah, wah, wah!

I was feeling pretty sorry for myself!  How much worse could this get?  What had I done for all of this to poor out on me.  Why me....gloom...woe...adversity...a really big old PISS POOR PITY PARTY!  I was basically walking around the house singing the ole "Hee-Haw" ditty:

"Gloom, despair, and agony on me
Deep, dark depression, excessive misery
If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all
Gloom, despair, and agony on me"

Then, this weekend, while talking to the cousin who has been diagnosed with cancer, he said to me, 'Well, cuz, it could be worse. My feet are healthy.  No cancer there!  " I kind of sat back and thought a second and since we had been talking for about 2 hours, I replied, "And, your tongue seems to work ok too. That is a good thing!"  Then we laughed.  Hard!  Really, really, hard.  It was wonderful. His words and humor made me realize that it was time to put on my big girl panties and get back to knowing that tomorrow would be better and the next day would be even more so!  None of this is funny per se, but there is still humor there if you look deeply enough. I also realized that it is not about me. It is about the lessons we learn and how we learn to apply them day to day.

I am telling you this not for pity, but to let you know that sometimes life gives us shit and it is up to us to pull ourselves up by the bootstraps and shovel our way out of it.  We may stink and be a bit tired when we get finished but we will know that we are stronger and that there is love and laughter under the pile. 

Moral of the story: Get the shit out of your way and get ready for 2011's gonna be a doozy!

Thursday, June 24, 2010


The air conditioning guys are here working on installing our new 4 ton York A/C system. I am sitting in the house, which has a temperature of 88 degree’s Fahrenheit, with sweat dripping from every pore. I have armpit sweat, boob sweat and butt crack sweat. I know, sexy right? I am also suffering from “No Air Conditioning in South Florida in the Summer Syndrome (NACSFSS).” NACSFSS is a bit like Tourettes Syndrome combined with OCD in that it makes me blurt out a series of random thoughts over and over. Since the heat started jacking up at an alarming rate at 7:30am this morning, I have spat out the same few sentences repeatedly. I do believe the sweet little A/C boys are scared. Maybe that will make them work harder and finish faster.

7:30 am
“Hello, ma’am, could you open back gate for us so that we can bring your absolutely wonderful new cooling system in and install it” asked the very tall and very skinny Ryan.

“Juno, if you don’t stop barking I will lock you in that bedroom right now”, I answered while swinging the gate back. Juno is a very protective Min-Pin.  She is extremely loud.

“Ma’am, could you come and look at this so that you will know exactly what I did here”, asked Daniel, the other very tall, very skinny A/C guy.

“Cricket, do not dare bite that man. He is trying to cool us all off”, I replied while glancing at the wires that were hanging from the unit helter skelter. Cricket,the smaller Shepherd, is quite the little nipper!

“Could we please get some water”, the boys asked.

“Piper, stop gnawing at that mans leg right this minute”, I screeched as I threw 2 bottles of water in the general direction of the guys.  Piper, our 115 pound German shepherd is teething a bit.  Legs are her favorite.

“Ma’am we can’t put the thermostat where you wanted it because that is a load bearing wall of concrete. Don’t worry though, I will patch up the big ole hole that I cut out of it.”, Ryan said.

“If you three don’t stop barking at the top of your lungs, I am going to cut out your voice boxes”, I told the dogs loudly while waving off Ryan and the hole in the wall.  Sometimes the dogs just bark.  In tandem. Loudly. There won't be any patching those holes up!

“Hi Honey. Just checking in. How are you and the dogs making out with no air”, Sweetie asked on the phone from her air conditioned office.

“It is 88 degrees in here. My brain is freaking fried”, I yelled into the receiver.

“But how is everything looking. They have not made any holes in the wall have they? Are they doing it right? Are they doing it like Mike“, she continued.

“I hate you”, I answered.

“Excuse me”, she said.

“Juno, if you don’t stop barking I will lock you in that bedroom right now”, I hollered. Juno heard her name and walked out of the bedroom panting to see what all the commotion was about.  She then turned her stubby little tail up at me and marched right back into the bedroom.  I think I heard her curse me. 

“OK, then, I will talk to you later babe”, as she hung up hastily.

“Ma’am, we are going to start installing the baffle in just a few minutes”, Ryan said.

“Cricket, do not dare bite that man. He is trying to cool us all off”, I bellowed while wiping the sweat from underneath my boobs and nodding at Ryan. Cricket licked Ryan’s boot as if apologizing for her mommies behavior.

“Can you come here and let me show you how to use the new thermostat”, inquired Daniel.

“Piper, stop gnawing at that mans leg right this minute”, I roared while walking over to Daniel. Piper, who had been sleeping on the sofa, looked up at me quizzically then swiftly fell back asleep. This was not new to her. The air had been out for weeks. She was used to mommies NACSFSS.

“We are going to turn on your unit in about an hour or so. If you could start closing the doors and windows and opening up the vents that would be great”, Ryan told me 7 hours after the work had commenced.

“If you three don’t stop barking at the top of your lungs, I am going to cut out your voice boxes”, I shrieked as I got up to do as I was told.

“Ummm, Ma’am, the dogs are in the back yard. They are not barking. Are you OK” Ryan inquired with concern.

“It is 88 degrees in here. My brain is freaking fried”, I told him while pulling my shirt over my head to try and find a breeze to dry my boobs off. I have no shame.

“Hon, I am just checking in. Make sure they calibrate the air flow in each room so that the pressure….”, Sweetie began on the phone.  This was her 32nd phone call of the day just to "check in".

“I hate you”, I howled.

“Alrighty then, I have a meeting. Be home soon. I love you”, she said as she dropped the phone quickly.

“Ma’am, you are all hooked up. Come here and feel that cold, frosty, arctic air flow”, Daniel said.

“I love you”, I cried out in pure ecstasy as I kissed Ryan and Daniels dirty boots. They glanced at me with befuddled expressions then ran for their truck.

It is amazing what good air conditioning can do for a person. I am cured. No more NACSFSS. Until the next time.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Everyone should be “Just like Mike”

My poor Sweetie has been in a pure melt down for the last two weeks. It is very hot in South Florida. Sweetie does not do hot. She abhors it. As a matter of fact, she tends to like to keep the thermostat set at “meat locker” temp. She has a propensity to want to see icicles forming in the corners of the living room. I usually have to have a blanket to keep them from forming on my nipples. But, not this summer. It is a different kind of hot. The temps are already soaring in to the upper 90’s with heat index’s running over 100 degrees. It is sweltering. We are not sleeping well. The thermostat reads 83, inside! Sweetie decided that we needed a new air conditioner. The old one was just not doing it any longer. She called for estimates.

Today the nice man from E*D*S Air showed up. Sweetie met him at the door with a porcelain bowl of Beluga Caviar on a bed of crushed ice. It was prepared in the Malossol method which means lightly salted. This is preferred by connoisseurs. She served it with a plate of toast points, lightly browned. For his drinking pleasure, she had a bottle of Louis Roederer Cristal. I had egg salad and grape juice for lunch. Not sure this is fair. Just saying.

She had a pair of slippers and a Stradavarius Churchill cigar for his comfort as well. She wanted to be sure that he was in complete comfort as he went from room to room doing up our little estimate. I do believe she would have given him a modest kiss if he had wanted one. Anything in the name of cold, frosty comfort. She is desperate.

He finished up all of his figuring and sat down at the dining table to talk about what we needed. She stood by and fanned him while having me peel grapes and feed them to him. Desperate times call for desperate measures. He started talking about SEER and the tonnage. Oh my stars, this excited her to no end. She lit up like Rockefeller Center at Christmas.

“Honey, did you hear that. It is an 18 SEER. Wow. That is great”, she said with excitement.

“Ummm Hmmm”, I replied. “Sure Sweetie”.

“But babe it is a 4 ton unit. That will rattle the vents. And it’s a York”, she continued.

“That’s nice Sweetie. Really great.” I had tuned out by this point. I didn’t need specifics. I needed cold.

The nice man from E*D*S asked, “How did you hear about us?”

“From Mike”, she said.

“Mike”, he asked.

“Mike Holmes”, she told him. “You know Mike don’t you?”

“Ummm, I don’t think so”, he answered.

I felt it necessary to chime in here, “Mike Holmes. You know from “Holmes on Homes” on HGTV. She never misses an episode. She loooovvves him.”

“Just hush”, she admonished. “I do not love him. I think he is a good guy. He is a true hero. He fixes peoples homes the right way. Everyone should do it just like Mike. He always uses York units.”

“AAH”, said the nice A/C man. “Gotcha.” Then he ate some more Beluga, took a stiff drink of Cristal and continued. “So the unit will be $7810.00. That includes blah, blah, blah“. (At least that is what I heard) “You are eligible for an FPL rebate and an instant rebate and blah, blah, blah.” (I had tuned out again) “Your total due at install will be $6435.00. Then there is a mail-in rebate of $1000.00 that you will receive as well…blah, blah, blah.”

“And, when could you do the installation”, she asked.

“Wednesday”, was his answer.

“I love you!”, she whispered.

“Huh”, he said with a strange look on his face.

“Ummm, errrrr, I just said that would be perfect”, she replied. “Let’s do it.”

The nice man was excited. He had a full belly, a nice buzz and he had made the sale. “Fantastic.”

Sweetie wrapped up the rest of the caviar, the champagne, some grapes, another cigar and his new slippers for the nice man and sent him on his way. I guess she hoped the gifts would make sure he did the job right and on time.

Just like Mike!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Living on the Face of the Sun

People flock to Florida in the summertime for a lovely week of rest and relaxation on the beach. They love it. It is beautiful. It is hot. There is water every where. They tan to an exquisite golden brown in a short time. They eat scrumptious seafood in quaint little restaurants on the beach. How lucky we, the natives, are to live here. How wonderful to have the sun, sand and sea at our back door. How fantastic to always have warm weather. BAH HUMBUG! It is hot in South Florida. It is much as I assume living on the face of the sun would be.

It is June. The temps are already hovering in the mid to high 90’s. The heat index is over 100 on most days. That is ridiculous. By August, it will inevitably be right around 150 degrees. We will all melt. As it is now, we get up early in the morning to shower because if we wait too late (anytime after 6am) we don’t have to even turn on the water. It just drips directly from our pores and pools right down into our butt crack. This is gross. This is our life on the face of the sun.

After our showers, Sweetie gets ready to go to work. She does so gladly because it is cold there. She has to wear long sleeves. From November until April, she drags to work in the morning. She dreads it. She wants to retire. Then around mid-May, she gets a spring to her step in the morning. She tap dances out the door whistling “High Ho, High Ho, It’s off to work I go”. This lasts until about October when the foot-dragging begins again.

I, however, work from home. I am not a happy camper. I have continuous boob sweat. I no longer wear underwear. My make-up runs off my face. My hair curls wildly and grows bigger by the minute. The dogs lay around me with their tongues hanging out. They plead with their big brown eyes for me to do something, anything, to cool them off. I take them outside and water them. Yep, in addition to the plants, we have to water the dogs. I turn on the hose and they just stand under the stream and look at me as if I am a goddess. So, I water myself as well. I am a goddess. It is wonderful to stand there under the hose with my doggie-children. We have a pool as well. It feels like bath water. When we get in there, we don’t swim. I shave my legs. I am very resourceful. Sweetie just sits on the steps and grumbles about how the pool should be cold just as the house should be. Somehow this takes the fun out of having a pool, at least from June until September.

At about 2pm, the heat really kicks up. That is when I apologize profusely to the doggie-children and head for the door. I jump in the jeep and make my daily run to Publix. Once there, I grab a cart and walk slowly to the frozen food section. I hang out there, sticking my head in each freezer door pretending to peruse which brand of ice cream/frozen vegetable/Eggo waffle/meal in a bag is best. This usually takes about an hour. I then roll up to the checkout, purchase a diet Pepsi and head for my next stop; Wal-Mart. When I arrive, I mingle. I am on a first name basis with the guys in electronics, the ladies in the craft section and most of the cashiers. I see many of the same customers each day as well so I believe that this is quite a common practice for folks that live on the face of the sun. We wave, say “hello” and ask about each others kids. It is rather like belonging to a social club except that we don’t have to pay dues.

Don’t think we don’t have air conditioning. We do. We also have a $400.00 a month power bill! No joke. Sweetie keeps the A/C set on 68 degrees. It never gets down to that. We have 2 thermometers to measure how miserable we should be. At this moment, one reads 78 and the other reads 83 so the median temp is 80.5 degrees. Inside the house. With 3 fans running at full force. Yes, I know that having 3 fans running sounds very redneck. That is ok. I am from GA. I am a redneck, albeit a reformed one. Sweetie says she is NOT a redneck but she is loving the fans! We might even put one in the window soon. Redneck heaven. I do not care as long as it cools this house off. 80.5 degrees is at the “nasty miserable” stage, 82 degrees is totally “bitch miserable”. We are on our way. Quickly.

Sweetie called 3 different A/C companies yesterday to get them to come out and give us an estimate on a new unit. I heard her tell the guys on the phone that she “wanted the damn vents to rattle out of the wall” and that she would “hunt them down like dogs if it didn’t cool correctly”. The temp was at 82.5 when she made the calls…as I said, “bitch miserable”! She says that she will pay 10 grand to the first person that can make the air work the way she wants it to. She is desperate. Living on the face of the sun is expensive.

We have shut all of the “Big Bertha” hurricane shutters on the east and west sides of the house. We keep all the lights off. It is like living in a cave. It is getting to me. I have started drawing stick figures on the walls. Someday, people will know exactly what we went through just by “reading” the drawings. They will know it was not pleasant. They will know we suffered. They will feel for us. They will see from my art that there is no longer any cuddling in the bed at night. We tried a few times but we stuck together and actually made a farting sound when we forced ourselves apart, ya know the sound that little boys make when they cup their hands under their armpits and flap their arms really hard. Not very sexy, I know. Speaking of sex, not so much. “Bitch miserable” heat truly ruins the mojo. That sucks! I miss it. October is not so far away though or so it seems when it‘s this hot. The drawings will also show that we can no longer cook in the house. Thank heavens for the grill. Did you know that you can actually make spaghetti on the grill? Well, you can. Pancakes are a bit harder but I’m learning. I am documenting everything with my cave drawings. I want people to understand what we went through day by day living on the face of the sun.

At about 9:37pm last night, Sweetie and I were sitting on the sofa watching some idiot wiggle his eyebrows on America’s got Talent and I heard “OOOOOHH” coming from Sweeties direction! It was a very loud OOOOHH and it scared me and the doggie-children dreadfully. I jumped and squealed and the dogs threw back their heads and howled. I looked over at Sweetie to see if she had suffered a heart attack or some equally horrific crisis. She was sitting in the yoga “Seated Pose”, much like Buddha. Legs crossed, back straight, arms on knees, thumb and middle finger touching in a circle, eyes half closed, face orgasmic, “OOOOOHH” coming from her very core. I was petrified. Sweetie had flipped. She needed help. Badly. Sweetie does not do Yoga or meditate. Her poor hot mind had snapped. I grabbed her and shook her.

“Are you OK?” I bellowed.

“OOOOOHH, Baby, can you feel it? Can you? Reach up, feel. Oh Baby, just feeeeel”, she replied.

“Huh”, I said. “You are scaring me. Are you OK? Do you hurt? What is happening?”

“No, I do not hurt. I feel cold air. Did you hear me? COLD AIR, and it is good, Baby. Real good. OOOOHH!”

“Cold air? Where? How…”, I stammered in excitement.

She grabbed me and pulled me over beside her and I’ll be damned, I felt it too!

“I feel it”, I squealed. “Does this mean I am gonna get laid tonight? We can do it right here. Right where the wonderful cool air is.” Hey, I take it when I can get it. I told you, I am resourceful.

Sweetie rolled her eyes. She leaned back again and enjoyed that moment of cold air. And that was about how long it lasted. A moment. Then it went away again. Sweetie slumped into “dejected dog” pose. I pouted when I realized that I was probably going to have to wait until October to get laid. Tears started to roll down both of our faces. They blended with the sweat draining from our pores. The dogs ran over to lick the water off of us. They have become resourceful as well. We went to bed and fell into a miserable sleep. On opposite sides of the bed. Not touching. We knew that tomorrow would be just the same.

And it is.

Dear Lord, I just looked at the thermometer. It is 83.3 degrees. In the house. With 3 fans running and the A/C on 68. This is way past “bitch miserable”. This is “murderous miserable”. I gotta get out of here now. Frozen food aisle here I come.

This, my dear vacationers, is what it is like when you live on the face of the sun!