Memories

It is almost time for a short vacation.  I was glancing through vacation magazines when Sweetie strolled by and said, "Remember last year?  Wasn't it just wonderful?  We must start to plan for this years time away."  
It is August.  We won't go until at least November. I started to rememer all of the planning that had gone into last years visit to P-Town and the tears started to flow. I started to shake and a tic developed in my right eye. The memories continued to flow...   

"MEMORIES"

The decision had been made - Sweetie and I were going to P’Town  (Provincetown, MA) for our vacation this year. We will be going for Women’s Week (October 8 – 18, 2010). How cool is that? I’ve never been there, but Sweetie has, one time, the first year we started dating. We had been trying to decide between Europe and P’Town for a few months with Sweetie leaning toward Europe and I, of course, leaning the other way. This is quite normal for us - we tend to lean in different directions - but, we discussed it; we worked it out; we made the decision as a couple. How exciting! After months of back and forth, I was just thrilledthat we’d made a decision. I thought we were done at that point. Finished. Complete. You see, I am a true Pisces. I am a bit wishy-washy, a dreamer, I fly by the seat of my pants. I am romantic, somewhat unrealistic, and a bit impractical. I thought if we had made the decision, we were through. However, even though Sweetie is a Pisces as well, someone forgot to tell her this. She is very much a practical person. She is incredibly realistic, tremendously black-and-white in her way of looking at things, and she plans everything right down to the minute level of detail. There is nothing wishy-washy about her at all. She is the "Anti-Pisces"!

"LIKE THE CORNERS OF MY MIND"
   
Once we’d decided on a destination she told me that now it was time to decide where to stay, what to drive when we get there, when to fly out, what side trips to take, the entertainment schedule, and everything else. We had to do this NOW? Six and a half months before the actual vacation? Twenty-seven and a half weeks? Approximately 205 days? Right at 4,920 hours? Holy cow! We gotta do it right this minute? This very second? Right NOW? We have just a wee bit of time left before we actually leave.
    
“The first thing that we need to do is make a list of what we want in an inn/hotel/bed-andbreakfast,”
she said.


“Oh, dear lord,” I thought. “Another list.” But I said aloud, “Oh, good idea, honey. You go upstairs to the office and work on your list and I’ll hang out down here and work on my list and then when we are both finished, we will come back together and merge the two and have the perfect room! Sound good?”


“I am glad to see that you are taking this so seriously,” she said happily, if a bit incredulously. “Sounds like a plan.”

So off she went upstairs. I could hear her working right away.

"MISTY WATER COLORED MEMORIES OF THE WAY WE WERE"

I got my yellow legal pad (I have a thing for yellow legal pads) and my mechanical pencils. I sat down on the couch, turned on the TV, and proceeded to get lost in a rerun of The Breakfast Club. The Breakfast Club is one of my all-time favorite movies. I think it is quite possiblythe best movie EVER. Molly Ringwald rocks. For the next hour-and-a-half, I was absorbed in the angst that I had felt as a teen. I also polished my fingernails and toenails, but then decided that I was too old for the bright green that I had used and redid them using purple. It was the perfect color, so I used it on the dogs as well. I did use this time to think of all of my wants and needs for the inn/hotel/bed-and-breakfast too. See, I remembered what I was supposed to be doing - most of the time. I wrote a few things down, then scratched a couple out. Wrote down a couple
more - and then decided to bake cupcakes. Next I decided to change purses. The gray one is starting to go out of season and I’d just bought this really cute white one with a big heart/flower on it. It is sooooo adorable. I noticed the cupcakes were finished baking, so I got them out, frosted them, and thought some more about what I am looking for in a room for vacation. I figured that if I took a cupcake up to Sweetie and peeked over her shoulder I might get some ideas off of her paper. No such luck. She grabbed that cupcake,
accused me of cheating, slapped me on the butt, and kicked me out of the office.

“Hrrrummmppphh!”

'SCATTERED PICTURES OF THE SMILES WE LEFT BEHIND"


Back downstairs I went, pouting a bit. I saw a copy of People magazine lying on the dining table and thought that maybe it would have some ideas for vacation rooms in it, or at least some juicy gossip. That sounded good to me, so I read it. Wow, there was some really juicy gossip this week. Not so much on the vacation front though. Finally, after about four hours, Sweetie calleddown that she was finished. I told her that I was too, and that we could now “merge.”

She told me to bring my stuff up to the office. I grabbed my yellow legal pad and my pencils and headed up there.

"SMILES WE GAVE TO ONE ANOTHER FOR THE WAY WE WERE"

Oh. My. God.

I walked in and she had put together a complete Power-Point presentation ready for my perusal. I pulled my legal pad to my chest tightly and watched as she started to go through everything that was important to her in
picture format.  Deck or balcony. Close to town. Right off of Commercial St/ or within walking distance.

 "CAN IT BE THAT IT WAS OH SO SIMPLE THEN?"

Queen or king-sized bed with at least 800 thread count sheets. Flat-screen TV/DVD. Fireplace. Private bath. Parking. 4+ stars

"OR HAS TIME REWRITTEN EVERY LINE?"

Must be soundproof so that others can’t hear us (Or rather me. What can I say about that one? I get loud sometimes, okay?).  Refrigerator.  Air conditioner.  Water view.  Down feather pillows and comforter. Terrycloth robes.  Sofa (does not have to be brown leather,thank God).  High tea served.


I totally faded out here … not sure what else followed.…


Blah, blah, blah….

"IF WE HAD THE CHANCE TO DO IT ALL AGAIN, TELL ME WOULD WE? COULD WE?

After Sweetie’s presentation finished, she lookedat me with pride in her eyes and asked, “Where is your list, honey, so that I can merge the two and we can actually take a look at the perfect place to stay on our ideal vacation.”


I looked at her,smiled a tiny smile, tore off a single sheet from my yellow legal pad, and handed the page to her. She looked down at it and began to systematically tear her hair out of her head. “This is it?” she asked. “This is ALL you want?”


I looked at my paper.It read, “Bathtub.”


“Yep, that about does it,” I replied enthusiastically. "You know I love me a good, hot bath.”

"MEMORIES, MAY BE BEAUTIFUL AND YET WHAT'S TOO PAINFUL TO REMEMBER WE SIMPLY CHOOSE TO FORGET"


She let out a primal yell and jumped from the office window. It took me almost an hour to find her and another thirty minutes to pry her hands from around a tree in the neighbor’s yard. She will be okay though. I am quite sure of it. After all, Pisces are quite resilient. Even the Anti-Pisces.


I sure hope I get my bathtub.

"SO IT'S THE LAUGHTER WE WILL REMEMBER, WHENEVER WE REMEMBER THE WAY WE WERE..."

As I came back into the present the tic in my right eye intensified, my head started twitching, my left leg jiggled quickly up and down, tears started to flow.  Then it hit me.  How I could get out of all this planning and such.  I jumped up and ran to Sweetie.  I looked her straight in the eye and said, "Honey, instead of wasting all that money this year, why do we just re-do the bathroom. The old 50's pink and green is hideous.  We could have a new white toilet.  A new dark vanity with white sink...woohooo we can even paint!"

That did it.  I saw a smile start to spread across Sweeties face.  She could never turn down a good home improvement project!

"Yes, that does make more fiscal sense. I see your point and reasoning.  We shall remodel," she yelled while pumping her fist in the air like Judd Nelson's character in The Breakfast Club. 

Hey, maybe we can watch Judd Nelson and Molly Ringwald while installing my NEW tub.  I am sure Sweetie would love that. Dang, I'm good.!

"...THEY WAY WE WERE....."

The Big Ole Piss Poor Pity Party

I should apologize for dropping out of sight for a while.  Quite simply put, I have been having a pity party.  Yup, a big ole "Woe is me", thumb-sucking, "what did I ever do" pity party!  Guess what, it got me nowhere!

I do realize that this year has been a tough one for so many and I am no different.  I have spent much time thinking about it lately though.  Allowing it to fester and grow and eat at the very core of myself. Since March, my granddaughter was diagnosed with a blood disorder, my daughter lost her unborn baby, I was hospitalized with near kidney failure, my youngest son has had a facial cyst that fills with infection and turns him into the creature from the black lagoon at least twice.  It must be surgically removed from his jaw/face soon before it gets very serious.  I got walking pneumonia TWICE and have passed kidney stones multiple times.  We just had to put our beloved Shepherd down due to illness 2 weeks before Thanksgiving and  I had a car wreck a few days after that...I'm ok, they ran, my car needed $1000 bucks of work/tires and that sucks.  Then just a few days ago my dear sweet cousin who is 36 and a single army dad was just diagnosed with Lymphoma which has spread pretty much everywhere, wah, wah, wah!

I was feeling pretty sorry for myself!  How much worse could this get?  What had I done for all of this to poor out on me.  Why me....gloom...woe...adversity...a really big old PISS POOR PITY PARTY!  I was basically walking around the house singing the ole "Hee-Haw" ditty:

"Gloom, despair, and agony on me
Deep, dark depression, excessive misery
If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all
Gloom, despair, and agony on me"

Then, this weekend, while talking to the cousin who has been diagnosed with cancer, he said to me, 'Well, cuz, it could be worse. My feet are healthy.  No cancer there!  " I kind of sat back and thought a second and since we had been talking for about 2 hours, I replied, "And, your tongue seems to work ok too. That is a good thing!"  Then we laughed.  Hard!  Really, really, hard.  It was wonderful. His words and humor made me realize that it was time to put on my big girl panties and get back to knowing that tomorrow would be better and the next day would be even more so!  None of this is funny per se, but there is still humor there if you look deeply enough. I also realized that it is not about me. It is about the lessons we learn and how we learn to apply them day to day.

I am telling you this not for pity, but to let you know that sometimes life gives us shit and it is up to us to pull ourselves up by the bootstraps and shovel our way out of it.  We may stink and be a bit tired when we get finished but we will know that we are stronger and that there is love and laughter under the pile. 

Moral of the story: Get the shit out of your way and get ready for 2011 folks...it's gonna be a doozy!

Have You Seen My Mommies?....When the Son Came to Visit Pt 3

Buddy is an actor and he loves nothing more than to use his improv ability to embarrass folks, draw unwanted attention to those he loves or simply to make people laugh. I am used to it. Sweetie, however, is not. I am pretty loud and outgoing myself. Again, Sweetie is not. Buddy decided to use his abilities to initiate Sweetie into the family. It was her turn after all. She deserved it after the flower incident.



While still shopping at Whole Foods, Sweetie and I headed back to the meat section to look at their filets. We did not notice that Buddy had drifted away from us. I was still muttering about stabbing them both through the necks with the stems of a bouquet of lovely hydrangeas and Sweetie was chuckling under her breath at me.


“Do you want to get a couple of filets for the grill tonight”, I asked testily.
 “That sound like a good idea. Shall I grab some flowers to put on the table so that it makes Buddy’s last night here special”, she said with a snigger.


“I will kill you right here. I promise I will. I will step right over your lifeless body with a smile if you do not leave me alone about those flowers. Should we do kabobs or just steaks and potatoes”, I responded.

“Whatever you want babe. If the hydrangeas are a problem, I could just get a mixed bouquet“, she said.

I grabbed the filets from the butchers hand and stormed off toward the front of the store. Sweetie followed me snorting under her breath. I then heard a loud Irish sounding voice from somewhere off to the side of me. I knew that voice. I knew that my son had decided to become one of his alter-egos. Sweetie did not seem to hear him.


“I can’t find my mommies”, I heard him say loudly. “Can someone please help me.”


I smiled wickedly. I had “been here, done this” many times. Sweetie had not.


“Please help me”, he continued in his best Irish accent. “I am so scared. Me mommies just disappeared. A boy's best friend is his mother don’t ya know.”
 He was getting louder with each sentence. Sweetie looked at me with trepidation in her eyes. “Is that Buddy”, she asked.


“Why yes, I do believe it is”, I answered gaily.


“What is he doing”, she inquired.


“Well, I do believe he is looking for us dear”, I told her.


“Mommies” he shrieked. “Please don’t leave me again. I will be good. I promise!”


“OH. MY. GOD”, Sweetie growled. “What the hell…”

“I didn’t mean to set the cat on fire again. It was an accident. It will never happen again. Where are you.” Buddy was building in intensity. The accent becoming thicker. The voice becoming louder and more frightened.


“Why is he doing that”, Sweetie whispered.


“ For shits and giggles”, I answered with a wicked grin on my face.


“Make him stop. Please”, Sweetie begged. He was getting closer and closer to us and poor Sweetie looked panic-stricken. People were beginning to look around for the moms that belonged to the 6 foot tall, 20 year old Irish redhead who was quite obviously a bit crazy.


I caught sight of him as he made his way over to an older lady. He grabbed her arm and began to sob. “Can you please help me find my mommies? There are two of them. They should be easy to spot. One is tall and blonde and the other is a bit shorter with darker hair. I was a bad boy and they left me but I know they are still here. Oh, please help me find them.”


The lady looked around as if she were being punked. When she saw no camera, she turned tail and ran. I laughed. Buddy grinned mischievously. Sweetie grabbed her heart and kneeled down as if to hide. People had spotted us. We were the only lesbian couple in Whole Foods at that time.


Buddy threw himself at the knees of a harried looking mother of two with a full cart. “Oh, thank God, you are a mommy too. Help me lady. I lost me mommies. Have ya seen them?”


The poor woman barely blinked. She looked as if her children had put her through something like this before. “Hello”, she yelped to no one in particular. “Who does this poor boy belong to?” She then noticed Sweetie scrambling to get away. ‘You! Hey, you, over there crawling down aisle 4. I see you. Is this your boy?”


Sweetie turned green. I got in on the fun. “Sweetie, he found us. Stand up. You can’t get away. He is ours after all and we need to show him love even when he has his little episodes. The cat was just singed after all. It could have happened to anyone.”


Sweetie stood up with a look of total embarrassment on her face. I smiled sweetly as I reached for her hand. Buddy ran to us and grabbed us in a big ole’ bear hug.

“Mommies, I am so glad I found you. I love you both. Kiss me, I‘m Irish,” he hollered, still in full character.


I reached up to kiss his cheek. Sweetie pulled away and ran for the car, leaving me to pay for the groceries. Buddy ran after her.


“Mom, come back. Please don’t leave me again. Come baaacccckkkk….”, I heard as he ran to catch up with Sweetie.
As I waited in line, I reflected over what had just happened and realized that life is good! I smiled ruthlessly. Life is very, very good! 

What A Pair THEY Make....When the Son Came to Visit Pt 2

While my youngest son, “Buddy”, was visiting Sweetie and I, he enjoyed being with us and learning all the ins and outs of a lesbian relationship. He is an actor and a graduate from film school so he looks at everything as a learning experience to be drawn on for any character that he may need to call on in the future. He is also a very funny and entertaining boy, at least in his own mind.

We all went shopping together one afternoon. Our little trio walked into Whole Foods laughing and joking and just being together. It was great. It felt like family. It was family. The first thing that I noticed as we walked into the store was the cut flowers. They were simply lovely. I commented on their beauty. Buddy and Sweetie were busy chatting and pretty much ignored me. I commented again a bit more loudly.


“Look at the cut hydrangeas. Aren’t they beautiful”, I said.

Laughter from the pair in front of me.


“Ummm…Hmmm…excuse me. Is anyone listening to me? Look at those tulips. Simply stunning. Sweetie, you used to buy flowers like these for me. Hellooooo”, I continued.


“Oh, umm, yeah. Uh~huh, nice”, Sweetie muttered.

They both laughed again. Nice. They were ganging up on me. Fine, I could work with that. He would turn on Sweetie soon. I could wait. We continued on through the store. I was looking at tomato’s and fruits and thinking about what to have for dinner when I saw Buddy begin to juggle grapefruits. Did I mention that he is a very talented boy?


“Buddy, put those grapefruits down now”, I said.
 Sweetie looked around to see who else might be looking. All was clear so she was fine with the juggling. “But those are some good looking grapefruits. They are just ripe for juggling”, she said.


“However, they are not as good looking as those flowers that were in the front of the store. Man, those were some gorgeous flowers. Did you see them Momma”, Buddy chimed in. He is a very funny boy. Did I say that before?

“There were flowers in the front of the store? Did you see them Babe? Do you want some? Fresh flowers, especially cut hydrangeas, would look good in the dining room”, Sweetie said.


Buddy and Sweetie burst out laughing. Great. They were working together. What a pair they make.


“No, I do not want any stinking flowers. Ya’ll behave. Buddy, I said to drop those grapefruits now”, I growled as he added 2 more grapefruits to his rotation.


SPLAT! Several grapefruits hit the floor. One rolled under the produce container. Wonderful.

“Oops, that slipped”, Buddy said as he picked up the salvageable fruit. “Can’t get that one. They’ll find it when it starts to stink though so it’s all good.”


“Buddy…”, I started.


“You told him to drop them and he did what you said. You can't be mad at that”, Sweetie said smartly

Buddy had turned his attention to a display of Arizona Ice Tea. He grabbed up a can and began a commercial in his deepest, loudest southern drawl.


“This Arizona Ice Tea brand commonly found in the South is essential to have for true iced tea lovers. This real brewed southern style sweet tea taste captures the spirit of gen-u-ine sweet tea. It's now available in tall boy cans. Just pop the top! Plenty of artificial flavors, artificial colors and preservatives and it only cost $1.00. Step right up folks and grab yours right here”, he intoned.


People were starting to gather. Sweetie dropped her head and disappeared. I just rolled my eyes.


“If you buy 3 cans you will also get a free bunch of fresh cut hydrangeas to brighten up your home. Come on now, don’t be shy”, Buddy continued.


“Buddy, shut up about those hy….”, I began.


“You mean these hydrangeas”, Sweetie ran up, holding high a bunch of the flowers that she had grabbed from the display. “Honey, do you want to get the tea so that we can have hydrangeas to brighten our home”, she asked with an evil glimmer in her eye.


"I hate you both”, I declared. “I am going to stab you in the neck with the stems of those damned flowers.”


“Mom, what do you have against hydrangeas”, Buddy said. “What did they ever do to you?”

“Would you prefer tulips”, Sweetie asked sweetly, whipping out a bouquet from behind her back. “These are quite lovely. I can’t believe that you didn’t notice them when we first came in.”


“Put those freaking flowers down now”, I screeched. “I do not want any stupid flowers. I want to get my probiotics and go home so that I can get away from you two.”


Vociferous laughter bubbled out of my two tormentors. I stomped off toward the homeopathic remedies. I was having visions of murder and mayhem. I wanted to kill two of the people that I loved most in the world. A man walked up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder.


“Ma’am, I believe you dropped this bouquet. Those two people back there said they belonged to you. They are quite lovely and would look good in a dining room”, the stranger said.


“AAAARRRGGGHHHH!!”

To be continued…

What A Pair We Are…When the Son Came to Visit Pt. I

I waited at the airport with heart pounding, palms sweaty and brain working overtime. My youngest son was due to arrive from Los Angeles at any moment. I was beyond happy and a little bit nervous. I was going to “come out” officially to him and though I figured he already knew since I have been living with Sweetie for over a year and a half, I wanted to make it official. Besides, Sweetie does not like sleeping alone and I figured that once I crawled in bed beside her it would be a dead giveaway. I had decided to come out to my youngest first since he is my open-minded, model/actor son. I knew he would not judge or go a bit crazy or threaten to jump off a bridge. My daughter is the emotional bridge-jumper and she is up next for the big unveiling. Then comes the Baptist youth minister son with many opinions. Yeesh! Now can you understand why I wanted to begin with the youngest?

I saw him as he walked out the door at the airport and jumped into the front seat beside me. His red hair gleamed. His blue eyes sparkled. He was just beautiful. I had missed him more than I even realized. I decided then to wait a day to tell him so that we could just talk and enjoy each other. Sweetie would understand and give me one night out of our bed…maybe. The talk flowed easily as I asked him about his flight, his auditions, his girlfriend, his life in general. We ate some lunch and headed home. On the way, I started to sweat again. I had not “de-dyked” the house. There were pictures of me and Sweetie out on the table as you walk in the door. It was fairly obvious that only the dogs slept in the guest room due to the hair on the sheets. Our lesbian romance novels filled the living room shelves. My night clothes were laying on the foot of OUR bed. I had to tell him. It could not wait. I needed a valium. Or a drink. Or both.


We arrived at home, grabbed his suitcase and in we went. He was mauled by the dogs first. He loved it. He sat in the middle of them and let them lick him to death while he laughed joyously. I kept peeking at the picture of me and Sweetie sitting on the shelf right by his shoulder. Gulp. He then got up, walked around the house looking at everything. He loved the house and commented on paint color, the built-ins, the homey feel of the place. This was his first visit and he had to see, taste, and touch everything. He is a curious boy.


He touched the picture of me and Sweetie and said, “Oh this is a good picture of you and Sweetie. Ya’ll look happy.”


An opening. Yes. Here was my chance. “Thank you”. Then I froze up. My throat refused to allow another word to escape. Damn. Opportunity lost.


I showed him to his room. He loved the remodeling that we had done in there. Sweat was dripping off of my nose. I was in total melt-down. We walked back into the living room and sat down on the sofa. Talk flowed freely again. He told me all about his Improv group and the show that they had just put on. He laughed about one of the games that they had performed where he had to be angry and just blurt out things randomly. For some reason, all he could think to say was “F#@k You”. Loudly. I was so proud. He continued telling me about the show and I continued to sweat and shake and wonder when to just spit it out.


“Can you see everyone’s faces mom? Other actors were saying things like “look the flowers are blooming in such lovely colors” and I yelled, “F#@k you” at them. No matter what they said, I just screamed “F you”. Everyone was shocked since that is so out of character for me and they had to try not to crack up which just made it more fun for me. “F you”, “F you”, “F you”. He was getting louder and louder and laughing harder and harder.

“Sweetie and I are a couple”, I blurted out.


“F you”, he shouted laughing, still caught up in the game.


“No really. We are a couple. Like a real couple. You know the kind that sleeps together and everything that comes with being a real pair”, I said in a rush.


Silence. Fear washed over me.


“She is really, really good to me and she loves me and I love her and we have made a home together…”, I continued.


More silence. The sweat started to drip harder. It was like a faucet was attached to the end of my nose.


“I am happy son. Really happy.”


Nothing.

“Say something. Please. Anything. I can take it”, I told him.


Then I detected the sweat on his face. Noticed the trembling of his hands. Saw the complete look of fear in his eyes.


“Son, what is wrong? Do you hate me? Are you shocked? Grossed out? What? Talk to momma please”, I begged.


Again I was met with silence. This boy is never quiet. Never at a loss for words. Had I really shocked him. Did he hate me.


“Speak to me baby. I am still your momma. Tell me what you think.”


Finally he looked me right in the eyes and said, “I love you momma. I could never hate you. I think it is great that you and Sweetie are together and happy. You smile a lot and that means so much to me. I could never be shocked or grossed out. I am engaged. You are happy. That is wonderful. I am glad you found someone.


What a wonderful, understanding son. He loves me and accepts me and is happy for us. He is engaged. He is not gros…huh? He is engaged? Excuse me.


“Thank you son for understanding. I love you so much. Did you say you are engaged or enraged?”, I asked.


“I am engaged momma. I love her so much. I know that we are young and are trying to get established in our careers but we will have a long engagement and we are smart and know that we have to get everything together before we actually marry and….” Now he was rambling.


I was silent.

“Oh momma, please be happy for me, for us. I thought it through. I even bought her a beautiful ring. She is very important to me”, he continued.


My throat was dry. This was my baby. What did I feel? How should I handle this? Boy had the conversation gone in a different direction than I had expected.


“I am happy momma. She makes me happy. Just like Sweetie makes you happy. Can you understand that? Please. For me.”


He looked just like he did when he was six years old. He wanted my approval. He needed my approval, much as I wanted and needed his. We were in the same boat. We were two scared individuals that loved each other desperately and wanted happiness each for the other.


More silence. I was shocked. I knew that it showed on my face. I growled at him vociferously.


The look on his face was priceless. He looked like I was going to cut his wee-wee off. I burst into laughter. We were both big ole chickens that had kept something very important from one another due to fear. How silly. He started laughing too.


“Wow, what a pair we are huh Ma? We were absolutely making ourselves crazy because we were afraid how the other would react. We are family. Family accepts each other. No matter what. I love you momma. You could do nothing to make me hate you. You are my bestest friend in the whole world”, he was still giggling.


“So, have you told your brother yet”, I asked.


“Have you”, he replied.


“Not a chance”, I said.


“Me neither”, he chuckled.


“So, we are ok now huh”, I asked.

“Well, yea”, he replied. “But I do have one question for you”.

“Shoot”, I replied.

“How do you guys “do it”, he asked with a wicked grin.

“F you”, I hooted hysterically as we hugged.

Suffering

The air conditioning guys are here working on installing our new 4 ton York A/C system. I am sitting in the house, which has a temperature of 88 degree’s Fahrenheit, with sweat dripping from every pore. I have armpit sweat, boob sweat and butt crack sweat. I know, sexy right? I am also suffering from “No Air Conditioning in South Florida in the Summer Syndrome (NACSFSS).” NACSFSS is a bit like Tourettes Syndrome combined with OCD in that it makes me blurt out a series of random thoughts over and over. Since the heat started jacking up at an alarming rate at 7:30am this morning, I have spat out the same few sentences repeatedly. I do believe the sweet little A/C boys are scared. Maybe that will make them work harder and finish faster.




7:30 am

“Hello, ma’am, could you open back gate for us so that we can bring your absolutely wonderful new cooling system in and install it” asked the very tall and very skinny Ryan.


“Juno, if you don’t stop barking I will lock you in that bedroom right now”, I answered while swinging the gate back. Juno is a very protective Min-Pin.  She is extremely loud.


“Ma’am, could you come and look at this so that you will know exactly what I did here”, asked Daniel, the other very tall, very skinny A/C guy.


“Cricket, do not dare bite that man. He is trying to cool us all off”, I replied while glancing at the wires that were hanging from the unit helter skelter. Cricket,the smaller Shepherd, is quite the little nipper!


“Could we please get some water”, the boys asked.


“Piper, stop gnawing at that mans leg right this minute”, I screeched as I threw 2 bottles of water in the general direction of the guys.  Piper, our 115 pound German shepherd is teething a bit.  Legs are her favorite.

“Ma’am we can’t put the thermostat where you wanted it because that is a load bearing wall of concrete. Don’t worry though, I will patch up the big ole hole that I cut out of it.”, Ryan said.


“If you three don’t stop barking at the top of your lungs, I am going to cut out your voice boxes”, I told the dogs loudly while waving off Ryan and the hole in the wall.  Sometimes the dogs just bark.  In tandem. Loudly. There won't be any patching those holes up!


12:00pm
“Hi Honey. Just checking in. How are you and the dogs making out with no air”, Sweetie asked on the phone from her air conditioned office.


“It is 88 degrees in here. My brain is freaking fried”, I yelled into the receiver.

“But how is everything looking. They have not made any holes in the wall have they? Are they doing it right? Are they doing it like Mike“, she continued.


“I hate you”, I answered.


“Excuse me”, she said.


“Juno, if you don’t stop barking I will lock you in that bedroom right now”, I hollered. Juno heard her name and walked out of the bedroom panting to see what all the commotion was about.  She then turned her stubby little tail up at me and marched right back into the bedroom.  I think I heard her curse me. 


“OK, then, I will talk to you later babe”, as she hung up hastily.


“Ma’am, we are going to start installing the baffle in just a few minutes”, Ryan said.


“Cricket, do not dare bite that man. He is trying to cool us all off”, I bellowed while wiping the sweat from underneath my boobs and nodding at Ryan. Cricket licked Ryan’s boot as if apologizing for her mommies behavior.


2:30pm
“Can you come here and let me show you how to use the new thermostat”, inquired Daniel.


“Piper, stop gnawing at that mans leg right this minute”, I roared while walking over to Daniel. Piper, who had been sleeping on the sofa, looked up at me quizzically then swiftly fell back asleep. This was not new to her. The air had been out for weeks. She was used to mommies NACSFSS.


“We are going to turn on your unit in about an hour or so. If you could start closing the doors and windows and opening up the vents that would be great”, Ryan told me 7 hours after the work had commenced.


“If you three don’t stop barking at the top of your lungs, I am going to cut out your voice boxes”, I shrieked as I got up to do as I was told.


“Ummm, Ma’am, the dogs are in the back yard. They are not barking. Are you OK” Ryan inquired with concern.


“It is 88 degrees in here. My brain is freaking fried”, I told him while pulling my shirt over my head to try and find a breeze to dry my boobs off. I have no shame.


4pm

“Hon, I am just checking in. Make sure they calibrate the air flow in each room so that the pressure….”, Sweetie began on the phone.  This was her 32nd phone call of the day just to "check in".

“I hate you”, I howled.


“Alrighty then, I have a meeting. Be home soon. I love you”, she said as she dropped the phone quickly.


4:17pm
“Ma’am, you are all hooked up. Come here and feel that cold, frosty, arctic air flow”, Daniel said.

“I love you”, I cried out in pure ecstasy as I kissed Ryan and Daniels dirty boots. They glanced at me with befuddled expressions then ran for their truck.


It is amazing what good air conditioning can do for a person. I am cured. No more NACSFSS. Until the next time.

“We’ve Got Your “Real L Word” Right Here”

Sweetie and I were in the pool over the weekend and the subject of “The Real L Word” came up. The conversation led to us living out our “Real Lesbian Life” for the day and then comparing it to “The Real L Word” once we watched it that night. Compare the two and see which you live each day. Which life is really real in the grand scheme of things. I’ll just bet you come to the same conclusion that we did.



Our Day as Real Lesbians…


7:00am ~ Sweetie wakes up to take the dogs out to potty. She lets me sleep in as she does some computer work on a project she has due the next day.


8:15am ~ Sweetie walks back and forth in the bedroom and mumbles about starving to death at any moment if she does not get breakfast. I ignore her as much as possible. The bed feels too good to worry about food.


8:30am ~ Sweetie does a giant frog leap onto the bed. “Hon, are you awake”, she asks


“No dear I am not”, I reply.


“But babe, I am hungry.”


“Then eat.”

“But I want your pancakes. You know that I love your pancakes. They are the best. Please, baby….”, she said with lots of well placed kisses.


9:00am ~ I serve sweetie her pancakes. YES, I said serve. I serve her much of the time. I like it. She likes it. And besides, I am a sucker for well placed kisses. We talk about what we have to do this day.


“Don’t forget that we have to go to the mall today. You have to have new black pants and you really need a haircut because you have that Wake tomorrow after work”, I told her.
“Do we really have to go? You know I hate the mall. I‘d rather order my pants”, she said.


“It is too late to order your pants. You need them tomorrow so just get ready and don‘t grumble. I’ll clean the kitchen and feed the dogs while you shower. Go on now.” I headed to the kitchen.


10:00am ~ I walk back into the living room. Sweetie is watching “Eye For and Eye” starring Sally Field and Keifer Sutherland on Showtime. She is not wet. She has not showered.
“What are you doing”, I ask.


“Watching a movie”, she said.


“Why?”


“Because it is a good movie and it came on and I got interested and I was going to shower but this grabbed my attention and I will shower in just a second and come sit with me because I want to hold you for a few minutes…..”, she blurted in one breath.


“Your full of crap”, I laughed. “You don’t want to hold me. You just want to watch this movie and not think about having to go to the mall.”
“I love you”, she said.


I sat down to watch Keifer terrorize Sally and her family. I’m easy.
11:20am ~ Sweetie gets up to shower.


“Where are you going”, I asked. “The movie isn’t over yet.”


“I’ve seen it before. I’m going to shower and then watch the end.”


“HUH?” She was already gone. I stayed there to finish the show. I am invested now.


11:50am ~ Sweetie rejoins me for the killing scene. She goes to dry her hair. I head off to shower and get dressed.

Nothing worth allowing cameras into our life so others could watch so far…


1:00pm ~ We head to the mall. Sweetie puts it off just a little while longer by announcing that she is hungry and that we should eat. I suggest the food court in the mall. She gags. We drive around in literal circles looking for a restaurant that catches her eye. We both know that she is just putting off the inevitable.


“Chili’s”, I ask.


“No.”


“California Pizza Kitchen?”


“Pizza last night.”


“Smokey Bones?”


“Too heavy.”


“Panera Bread is all that is left out here. If you don’t want that we will have to eat in the food court”, I said impatiently.


“Panera Bread it is”.


Finally.


2:00pm ~ We head to the dreaded mall. I am smiling. Sweetie looks like she is going in front of a firing squad. She buys her pants at Dillard’s so we park there and head in.


“It’s hot”, she says.


“Yes and we still have to go inside and buy pants.”


“But I want to go home.”
I leave her in my wake. She follows dejectedly.

My eyes are caught by the lingerie section. “OOOOOOH purple. I love purple. Look at the fit and the lace. That is gorgeous and it’s on sale.” Sales are good!


“Whattya need that for. It’ll just come off.” Her mood is not improving.

 “What about you go find your pants and I’ll do my thing and we’ll meet by the escalator when we finish”, I suggest.


“Fine”, she says. “It is 2:15. Meet me at the escalators at 2:30.


“You have got to be kidding”, I said unbelievingly.


“Nope, see ya then.” And, she was gone.

Whoopee. 15 whole minutes. I ran through the store grabbing stuff then rushed to the dressing room. “Nope. Not a chance. Yuck. Gotta go on a diet”, I said as I tried each thing on in a hurry. I hurried over to the register and bought my purple lingerie which I will save for a special evening. An evening when the air conditioning is working well. 


2:38pm ~ Sweetie walks up to me at the escalator. She was late. HA.


“There was a line”, she says. “Can we go home now?”


“You need your hair trimmed. Come on now.”


2:45pm ~ We found a place to cut my Sweeties hair. The whole place was ran by Drill Sergeant Dyke (D.S.D). Very cute haircut though. She was giving orders and doing it in style. Sweetie looked rather scared. There were several people in front of her so she said to D.S.D., “I’ll come back in half an hour.”

 “NO. DON’T GO ANYWHERE. I’LL GET YOU DONE RIGHT AWAY”, D.S.D. shouted.


I giggled and whispered to Sweetie, “How sweet, she is helping a sistah out.”


She shoved me toward the door and told me that she would meet me in 30 minutes. She did not see the humor in the situation.


As I headed out the door I heard, “SO IS YOUR GIRL OUT HERE SPENDING ALL OF YOUR MONEY?” I glanced back just in time to see D.S.D. shove Sweetie into a chair. She was the one that would be cutting Sweeties hair. She was a talker. Sweetie is not. She had a trendy haircut. Sweetie is conservative. I laughed so hard that I almost pee’d myself. There is a God!


I walked into J.C. Penney’s. It was right by the salon. I found a cute while tank, paid for it and headed out the door to find NY & Co.


3:00pm ~ I ran slap into Sweetie coming out of the salon. She grabbed my arm and hissed, “Let’s go. Now.” She looked terrified.


“What’s wrong”, I asked.


“Hush. Let’s go.”


“Did she hit on you”, I asked laughing.

“NO. Be quiet”


“But….”

She jumped in, “She cut my whole head in under 15 minutes. She said I have a waxy build up. You will probably have to fix me up. Surely it is not even. She was throwing hair everywhere.”


“There, there. It’ll be ok. Let me look.” I was giggling again.


“Don’t touch my hair right here”, she almost shouted. She never actually shouts. She almost did this time. I think she was traumatized. I sniggered some more.

“When we get home, I will pour Sprite on your hair. That breaks down the waxy build-up. I learned that in cosmetology school”, I said.


“Not a chance in hell”, she replied.

We stopped by NY & Co and I bought a couple of tanks that were on clearance. As I said, I like a sale.


3:15pm ~ We headed home. Sweetie needed rest. Trauma takes a lot out of a girl. A whole hour at the mall, a haircut from D.S.D. and waxy build-up. This was all too much for my Love.


Still not a thing worth filming so that others could watch us on T.V. so far…


3:25pm ~ “Oh yea, we need spaghetti sauce and toilet paper,” I said.

“Just shoot me.”


“Don’t be so dramatic”, I admonished. “There is a Target. We can get it in there and I can pee. I really have to pee Sweetie.”


She whipped the truck into Target on two wheels ala’ James Bond. I grabbed the “Oh shit” handle and squealed. We went in, she grabbed random stuff and threw it in the buggy and I pee’d.


3:45pm ~ We headed home for real this time.

Seriously, would you watch us on T.V.…


4:00pm ~ We pulled up to our house. As we pulled in sweetie admired the greenness and symmetry of our yard, she always does. I did not notice, I never do. We were “Home Sweet Home.” Or, in our case, “Home Hot Home”. Our A/C has been acting up. It is hot in South Florida. Very hot. It was miserable. We carried everything inside and put it up. We were sweating. I grabbed Sweetie and shoved her head under the faucet. I then commenced to pour Sprite on her hair and worked it through.


“Let’s go swimming”, I said.


She ran upstairs, threw on her trunks and T-shirt and flew by me. She was out the door and in the water before I could even move. I couldn’t find my suit so I grabbed an old pair of her trunks and a beater and went to join her. She took one look at me in her trunks and the beater and her eyes darkened. She likes me in her clothes. I jumped in and we made out until Piper, our 110 pound German Shepherd jumped into the pool and headed right toward me. She likes to swim with me and hang around my neck like a big ole baby. Sexy-time was over. Mommy-time had commenced. Sweetie grabbed a noodle and laid back on it and conversation began.


“The Real L Word” starts tonight. Whattya think? Are we gonna watch it or not”, I asked.


“Well, is it like a real, real show with plots and everything or is it a reality show or a scripted reality show“, she asked while trying to balance standing up on the noodle.


“From what I read, it is not a “show” like “The L Word” was. It is a reality show that follows a group of Los Angeles Lesbians. It will follow all the “pretty people” as they go from club to club or premiere to premiere. And, yes, I am positive that some of it will be scripted as all reality shows are scripted in one way or another”, I answered. My son has done a reality show so I know that most all are scripted to some degree.


“But what makes these people interesting enough to watch week to week,” Sweetie wanted to know. “Hey, can you stand on a noodle? I can’t do it.”


“I don’t know. Throw the purple one over here and let me try.“ I said as I sent Piper back to the steps of the pool. “I guess it is the fact that they are in L.A. and they probably have lots of money and they go to premieres and really cool clubs and probably all weigh 12 pounds and are strikingly gorgeous and sleep around a lot. Look Babe, I can do it. I can balance on the noodle.”


“How the hell are you doing that? I keep falling. Here try two noodles. Can you do that smarty-pants? She said, then continued on the “Lword” subject. “But why would people want to watch them any more than they would want to watch us?” Sweetie was certainly just full of questions!


“Because we are trying to balance on pool noodles m’love. People would not want to watch us because we are real reality. We are pretty much boring”, I answered. “Ta-Da, I can balance on two noodles.”


Sweetie took offense to this. “Excuse me”, she said. “We are boring? How are we boring? Why are we boring? Are you bored? Who says that we are b….”, she was on a roll.

I jumped in. “Hold on Sweet-thang, don’t get all crazy. I am not bored. We are not boring in our life but we are normal. We don’t go to clubs. We don’t go to premieres. We don’t sleep around. Normal and wonderful but really boring to base a television show on. That’s all.”

“But you said we are boring”, she pouted. “I don’t want you to be bored. Damn this noodle.”


“Arrrggghhh, I am not bored. Spread your legs a little more. That makes it easier to stand“, I told her. “We live our life and I love it. But, Sweetie, think about it. Think about what we did today and what we will do tonight. Seriously, who in their right mind would wanna watch it?”


“I can’t do it. I just can’t balance on the noodle. I am more buoyant than you I think. Can you make the number three with both hands,“ she asked then continued, “So, we’ll finish out the day in our normal fashion then we’ll watch “The Real L Word” and see which is more entertaining. Sound good?”


“Yep. Sounds good as long as you won’t pout anymore. Of course I can make the number three with both hands. Why”, I asked her while holding up both hands with my first three fingers up and my pinkie and thumb touching.


“I can’t do that either”, she lamented. “Look.” She held up her left hand. Perfect number three hand. She held up her right. It looked like a lobster claw. Her thumb did not touch her pinkie at all. Her ring finger was crooked downward. The bird finger was a bit low too.


“Damn, Babe, what’s wrong with it? I hope it is nothing serious. That is your “good hand” you know“, I said wickedly while wiggling my eyebrows up and down.


“Stop it”, she said while continuing to make it work. She could not do it.


“Sweetie, do you really think anyone in their right mind would want to watch us on TV”, I asked then blew on my noodle and sent water splashing right in her face.


I giggled. She did not. She turned her back to me. A huge splat of water hit me right square in the mouth. She had blown on her noodle too. The war was on. Piper joined in and we all splashed laughingly around for a good while the other 2 dogs frolicked around outside the pool, keeping dry.

Still not sure there is anything others would find worth watching on Showtime…


6:15pm ~ We decided to get out of the pool. We went in and I ran a bath while feeding the dogs. Then, while I bathed, Sweetie started dinner. I got out and finished up the pasta while she showered. We have a perfect tag-team routine going. Sweetie then dried her hair. It shone beautifully. The Sprite worked. HA!


7:00pm ~ We ate dinner while watching “The Phantom” on SyFy. And then, during a commercial as we cleaned up, I said something stupid. A disagreement ensued. Sweetie used her “serious voice’. I can not stand her “serious voice”. It was hot, we were tired and it got ugly. Not loud, not mean, just ugly. Feelings got hurt. I got up and went to the bedroom, where we now have a nice wall-mounted TV, and turned on “The Phantom” there.

8:00pm ~ I called my daddy to wish him a happy father’s day. He is not a big talker. It is a family game to see who can keep him on the phone the longest. I hold the record so far, 22 minutes 37 seconds. I hope to break it today. He was about to have a nervous breakdown as I kept thinking of something new to talk about. “So how’s the weather?” “What did you do today?” “Have you painted the porch?” “Is blue still your favorite color?” I do not break the record. I keep him on the phone for only 13 minutes 48 seconds. Damn. One of my kids are going to break my record some day. I can feel it.


8:30pm ~ I went downstairs and asked Sweetie if she wanted me to make her the dessert that I had planned for her. I had Molten Chocolate cake. 
“Yes, please”, she says. “Are you gonna watch “The L Word” with me?”


“I don’t know. I am a bit sleepy.” My feelings were still hurt.

I brought her the cake and I sat down on the couch to eat mine as well. I watched her as she ate from the corner of my eye. Damn I love this woman.


9:00pm ~ We sit stoically and watch the beginning of “The Phantom, Part II”. I hate silence. Cricket, the smaller Shepherd, lay down beside me and Juno, the Min-Pin, crawled into my lap. Piper rests at my feet. They know that I am sad. Such sweet girls.


I am sure there is none of this that others would want to watch….


9:45pm ~ “Honey, can we go lay in the bed and watch “The Real L Word” together,” Sweetie asked. “I am taping “The Phantom” and we can watch the last hour tomorrow.


“Ok, if you want,” I said and we head off up the stairs.


10:00pm ~ We lay side by side on the bed staring at the television.


After about 10 minutes Sweetie muttered, “Stupid.”


“Pretty much what I expected”, I said.


Another few minutes passed.


“She’s scary-ugly”, she said about one of the girls that are particularly skinny.


“Yup”, I replied.


More time went by.


“Boring” she said.

“Kinda”, I said, “Should we just turn it off?”


“Yea”, she replied grabbing the remote.


“Why did what I said bother you so much”, I asked.


“I don’t know but it did”, she replied.


“I didn’t mean to hurt you. I did not want today to be ruined. I‘m sorry.”


“Me too”, she said and turned away from me onto her side.


Silence.


10:48pm ~ I get up and go down to the spare bedroom to read the new “People“ magazine . Have I said how much I hate silence?


11:15pm ~ I snuggle up to Juno who jumped into the bed with me. She licks my face. She knows I hate to sleep alone. I get lonely.

11:30pm ~ I head back upstairs. I touch Sweetie on the back. “I love you so much”, I whisper softly.


“I love you too. Very much”, she says sleepily.

We sleep.


We are not perfect. We act silly. We laugh. We fight. We love a lot. Maybe no one would want to watch our life on television but that is ok with us. The ladies on “The Real L Word” were pretty boring themselves and I did not see nearly as much love in their houses as we have in our home. I know that I prefer the life we have and I believe that Sweetie does too. The ladies of "The Real L Word" can have their reality.  This is ours and it's damn good!

Everyone should be “Just like Mike”

My poor Sweetie has been in a pure melt down for the last two weeks. It is very hot in South Florida. Sweetie does not do hot. She abhors it. As a matter of fact, she tends to like to keep the thermostat set at “meat locker” temp. She has a propensity to want to see icicles forming in the corners of the living room. I usually have to have a blanket to keep them from forming on my nipples. But, not this summer. It is a different kind of hot. The temps are already soaring in to the upper 90’s with heat index’s running over 100 degrees. It is sweltering. We are not sleeping well. The thermostat reads 83, inside! Sweetie decided that we needed a new air conditioner. The old one was just not doing it any longer. She called for estimates.

Today the nice man from E*D*S Air showed up. Sweetie met him at the door with a porcelain bowl of Beluga Caviar on a bed of crushed ice. It was prepared in the Malossol method which means lightly salted. This is preferred by connoisseurs. She served it with a plate of toast points, lightly browned. For his drinking pleasure, she had a bottle of Louis Roederer Cristal. I had egg salad and grape juice for lunch. Not sure this is fair. Just saying.

She had a pair of slippers and a Stradavarius Churchill cigar for his comfort as well. She wanted to be sure that he was in complete comfort as he went from room to room doing up our little estimate. I do believe she would have given him a modest kiss if he had wanted one. Anything in the name of cold, frosty comfort. She is desperate.

He finished up all of his figuring and sat down at the dining table to talk about what we needed. She stood by and fanned him while having me peel grapes and feed them to him. Desperate times call for desperate measures. He started talking about SEER and the tonnage. Oh my stars, this excited her to no end. She lit up like Rockefeller Center at Christmas.


“Honey, did you hear that. It is an 18 SEER. Wow. That is great”, she said with excitement.


“Ummm Hmmm”, I replied. “Sure Sweetie”.

“But babe it is a 4 ton unit. That will rattle the vents. And it’s a York”, she continued.


“That’s nice Sweetie. Really great.” I had tuned out by this point. I didn’t need specifics. I needed cold.


The nice man from E*D*S asked, “How did you hear about us?”


“From Mike”, she said.


“Mike”, he asked.


“Mike Holmes”, she told him. “You know Mike don’t you?”


“Ummm, I don’t think so”, he answered.

I felt it necessary to chime in here, “Mike Holmes. You know from “Holmes on Homes” on HGTV. She never misses an episode. She loooovvves him.”


“Just hush”, she admonished. “I do not love him. I think he is a good guy. He is a true hero. He fixes peoples homes the right way. Everyone should do it just like Mike. He always uses York units.”


“AAH”, said the nice A/C man. “Gotcha.” Then he ate some more Beluga, took a stiff drink of Cristal and continued. “So the unit will be $7810.00. That includes blah, blah, blah“. (At least that is what I heard) “You are eligible for an FPL rebate and an instant rebate and blah, blah, blah.” (I had tuned out again) “Your total due at install will be $6435.00. Then there is a mail-in rebate of $1000.00 that you will receive as well…blah, blah, blah.”

“And, when could you do the installation”, she asked.


“Wednesday”, was his answer.

“I love you!”, she whispered.


“Huh”, he said with a strange look on his face.


“Ummm, errrrr, I just said that would be perfect”, she replied. “Let’s do it.”


The nice man was excited. He had a full belly, a nice buzz and he had made the sale. “Fantastic.”


Sweetie wrapped up the rest of the caviar, the champagne, some grapes, another cigar and his new slippers for the nice man and sent him on his way. I guess she hoped the gifts would make sure he did the job right and on time.

Just like Mike!